In college, the topic of sexual assault is prevalent. Seminars, workshops, online sites, hotlines and even support groups are engineered towards preventing, stopping and coping with sexual assault attempts and incidents. Sadly, sexual assault and rape are two things that have "become a part of our world." As scary as it sounds, I know that one in four women in college will experience some form of sexual assault. To put that in perspective, statistically speaking, out of my group of eight close girlfriends, at least two of them would experience sexual assault at some point in their college career.
Women are taught self-defense, to carry pepper spray, know to scream fire instead of rape, and are always cautious when walking alone at night. But what about men? Why is it that when speaking of sexual assault, men are rarely discussed? It seems that we, as a society, write men off as the perpetrators and have women assume the role as victims. But what happens when it's the other way around? This concept of a woman being an attacker and a man being the victim is almost never addressed but with one in 16 men being assaulted while in college, shouldn't we be having a more open dialogue about the issue?
I know people who look at those statistics and say: "but it happens to girls more." Yes, statistically speaking, sexual assault and rape is much more common among college women than men. But imagine your brother, boyfriend, best friend, classmate, etc. being that one in 16 (http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&sou...). Imagine getting a call at 3 a.m. from your little brother explaining that he didn't want it, but the girl forced herself on him. Or sitting in a dorm room as your friend explains that he was assaulted at a party and now has a kid on the way. Or looking into your future son's eyes as he explains to you the confusion and pain he feels for having had his girlfriend take advantage of him.
A few years ago, one of my friend's explained that when his girlfriend wanted to have sex, he said no. She kept begging and pleading and forcing her body onto him until eventually she had her way. He didn't want it. I was the only person he told. He never reported it. He never even mentioned it to her or expressed his concern. The saddest part of this story, I know, is that if he were to go to someone or tell another friend, a large percentage of them would say, "Why didn't you just push her off? Tell her no? You had a hard-on, you clearly wanted something." This friend experienced something I would never wish upon anyone. I could see in his eyes as he told me the story, the pain he was feeling. And the disgust I felt for our society who would easily minimize his hurt because "he's a guy and therefore he always wants some tail."
Why is it that women are rarely talked about as the assailants? Is it because physically we are smaller and rarely capable of overpowering a man? Why is rape only ever seen as a violent attack for sex? I look around and hear women say, "he didn't want to have sex, but I was in the mood. I put on my sexiest lingerie and he finally caved." Why is that okay? How is that seen as okay? Isn't that considered rape, too? Maybe it wasn't a violent attack, but he said no. And you pushed until he either felt guilty, figured it would be quick or felt obligated. Or, you knew he was drunker than you but you still pursued him. These examples, too, by definition, are sexual assault: any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the individual.
Recently, I had one of my college friends say to me, "how can it be rape if he has a hard-on?" This specific phrase is one of the major problems of society's portrayal of sexual assault and rape. It is my problem with society's sexual assault and rape culture. People believe that sexual assault and rape can't happen to a man if he has an erection. Even if he says no, we are told that his erection, or lack thereof, will do the talking; because an erection equates to the conclusion "he wants it" or "he's just playing hard to get by saying no." We, as a society, assume that a man's completely uncontrollable physical reaction is consent.It is not. Consent is an explicit yes, not the absence of a no, the uncertainty of an answer, or a part of the body's physical reaction.
I stand up to society's portrayal of sexual assault and rape. I stand against society's portrayal of sexual assault and rape. I do not view women as just the victims, in the same way I do not view men as just the assailants. Rape and sexual assault can happen to any gender, any age, any race, any sexual orientation at any time. I stand against society's portrayal of sexual assault and rape for my brothers, my best friends, my boyfriends, my cousins, my nephews, my future husband, my future sons and any man that has ever experienced the horrible and degrading act that is sexual assault or rape. And was too embarrassed to speak up or God forbid, spoke up and was shamed into not seeking justice. I stand up for you, people. I stand up and speak against society's rape culture because I understand that at any point, any one can be taken advantage of; and the same facilities, comfort and support should be offered to any of these victims no matter their gender.
I think it's time that we, as a society, embrace that fact and change our ways.
If you, or anyone you know, has experienced sexual assault: speak up. You are not alone.
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline: 800.656.HOPE.
