DATE: 11111.010101010101.7
Planet: 27-J-8A, PURPLE SECTOR (EARTH)
MISSION DETAIL: COUNCIL TO SEND TWO MISSIONARIES ON EXPLORATORY MISSION TO “EARTH” TO JUDGE READINESS FOR PLANET'S ADMISSION INTO STELLAR COUNCIL. EACH MISSIONARY TO BE DROPPED OFF IN RANDOM LOCATION AND EXTRACTED TEN [10] EARTH DAYS LATER.
End of Mission Report
I, Gackwob Backwad of planet Omgggggggg, Green Sector, formally submit my end-of-mission report to the Stellar Council. Thank you for using your Glorious Time to review this document.
I apologize in advance for this curt report; mentally, I am drained and still recovering.
I regret to inform the Council that, after completing the stated mission objectives, I have decided that I will no longer be serving as a missionary to underprivileged worlds. After returning to the ship, I re-evaluated my career, my family, myself. I examined my core values, the nature of my life and the universe and yes, even the Stellar Council itself—I found and understood a darkness that dwells within me, and is perhaps inseparable from the mysterious forces that allow us all to live.
I was dropped off in a desert. A scorching, dry desert, with mounds of sand and brown boulders. I wandered and I stumbled upon a snake and the Council will be thrilled to know that I efficiently dispatched of the monster with little to no resistance. It appears these snakes have not yet evolved diamond-hard scales.
After a day, I encountered a band of humans in cars, which are these hunks of metal that they use as transportation. They asked who I was; I was scared. They had guns—heavy, loud, metal guns. They told me to come with them; they drove into a city. This city, I know, must’ve been grand at one point, a flower in this awful desert. There used to be tall spires and clean streets—Council-members, I’m sure that it was beautiful.
But it was not beautiful anymore. Instead, this city was ravaged by war, and my suspicions were confirmed: humans are an innately violent species.
The car stopped. I was forced to get out. They shouted, pointed, and then… a bomb fell. This was a first for me, and these bombs were indiscriminate. It gored some of them, but it fell to my left, away from me. There were a short line of bodies between me and the site of impact; they were all torn apart by the shrapnel, and it occurred to me that they served as my shield, and that this would have be me if not for the sacrifices of these people.
The bombs were followed by gunshots. They emerged from the buildings and dove into the street. I remembered to flee, so I did. I got out of the road, somehow uninjured, and dashed into a decimated building. I hid in the gaps between a pile of rocks. I expected them to come after me, but I quickly realized that they were shooting at each other, from all directions, and I was unimportant. I hid in that pile for the next 8 days. That's all I feel comfortable sharing.
Recommend for immediate eradication of human species and any traces of its existence. Keep everything else. The skies are a nice blue. Thank you for reading, great Council-members, and thank you for your Glorious Time.
