There's a change that happens, or did for me, that I've never heard anyone talk about.

For almost 12 years, my life, hopes, dreams, my whole future was in one person. No matter what, all I cared about was that. I didn't care where we lived or what we had, as long as we had each other. We were soulmates, destined to spend our entire lives and eternities together. It was all I've ever wanted. To be happy, and in love. I thought I was, I thought WE were. He wasn't.

In the process of learning to deal with my world ending, I realized that I wasn't happy either. I thought I was, I was so invested and so unconditionally in love with this man, that nothing else mattered. Especially not me. In full honesty, I now realize my part in the destruction of us and without dismissing the hurt in the end, we were both messed up and we didn't know how to fix us. The end.

But losing your whole world, your whole perception of life and reality can really fuck with your head. It distorts your whole reality. I've lost connectivity. My whole idea of what love is, and the things I hoped for have all gone. Any plans or dreams I've ever had included him, and now they're gone. I was never one to hope for things anyway. Hope turns to excitement and expectations, and all that has ever given me is disappointments. So I avoid hope. Crazy to think that I'm the one that can always find the bright side, right?! I don't feel the same about anything anymore, or anyone.

I met someone, someone freaking amazing. He's had a rough life, got a horrific record; but, I'm not one to judge someone on their past. Especially if it had nothing to do with me. Everyone has rough times and makes mistakes. There's always three sides to a story. We've had the weirdest relationship from the very beginning. He let me rely on him, fully. He gave me everything he could, and showed me that I could count on people. He reminded me that I am amazing, and helped me find the confidence to live. He helped me figure out who I am, who I really am. He gave me love, when I needed it the most. He's like the yin to my yang. Our souls are connected in a weird way. He's pulled me from the edge so many times, and brought me back to life; and because of the way people pass judgement, he'll never get the appreciation he deserves for the times he kept me alive. Because he did. He knew when I was drowning, and he'd be the hand that kept me from giving up and just accepting death. I love him, I love him so fucking big. But as much as I wanted to be, I wasn't in love with him. As much as I'd love to have wanted a life with him, because of how much I love him, how much he loves me, and how amazing he is; I couldn't see it. It broke my heart. I'm just so amazingly grateful that he continues to be my best friend, and to love me. I'm so grateful to him for the things he's taught me, and for just who he is.

I was alone again, but not really alone. I had people. Just no one I was really happy with, I still couldn't think about anything or anyone except the one who'd left me. I wasn't even sure what happy felt like, but I knew I wasn't it. He still consumed my mind, and I hated myself for it.

Then, in true form, I met this man in the strangest way. I bought a car, one that I'd wanted for years. Got it back to town, and stopped at the audio place my family is obsessed with, because I needed the speakers fixed, ASAP. They went to pull it around to put my system in, and it wouldn't start. My new used car wouldn't start. I hadn't even had it 2 hours!?! The guy tried. Checked everything he could, nothing. I'm fuming, and trying not to freak out. Someone says "go get Jamey".

Go get Jamey

Out he walks, the DO man. I've seen him before. I recognize the tan skin, the black clothes, and the neck light. Of course, I'd liked looking at him, but I was married and in love before so I never let myself notice too much. But, now...

Little background.... I'd recently learned that I'm a bit of a submissive (in areas of my life). Because I have(had) so much control and responsibility, I like to be told what to do from time to time. Especially in certain areas. :)

This guy comes out, starts talking and moving around my car like a spider monkey. Swear, just looking at him had me all over the place. He knew it, turd. He took control, he talked to me, he got my car running and told me how he did it. It was cool, the car was shit, but he was amazing. He looked me in the eyes, told me to take the car back and demand a replacement or my money back. Yes, Sir! I probably had stars in my eyes, and maybe the little hearts flying around my head at this point. Before I left, something told me to hug him. Me, nervous to talk to anyone, me, I ran over and gave him a hug; he gave me his number "just in case".

I got a nicer car out of the deal. I went to that lot, told them what Mr. DO had told me to say and within 5 minutes was test driving another car, and got $100 cash back out of the deal. That night, I texted him to tell him and to say thank you. Not normally something I'd do, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. That night, my world changed. I didn't realize it, but a few small decisions to step out of my comfort zone were pushing my life in the most positive direction I'd been in, in years. 7 hours on the phone that night. Honestly one of the most intelligent and unique, eccentrically amazing people in the world. I don't even know how any of this has happened. He's got like this gravitational force, just being near him calms my soul. He's like the calm in the storm. I can't explain it. Between us there's no expectations, no promises. We do what we want, we're not a couple. We live our lives, and just happen to prefer to spend our extra time together. I don't think about the one who left anymore, no more obsessing about the love that got away. It was freeing. I kept my kids away from it for months, out of fear. I didn't want them to get attached, or make him feel uncomfortable. The last thing I want is for someone to think they've got to be a father to my children. But somehow, this amazing man has become a friend to my babies. They adore him, and they see and appreciate the way he makes me feel. He allows me to be fully and completely myself, and doesn't judge me for it. He doesn't look at me like I'm broken or damaged, he doesn't want to fix me. He's helping me navigate my mind and my life, and my understanding. He's helping me cope with being a mom, and learn to be a mom in a way I've never been. He's helping me find peace in my mind and in my life. There's no pushing, there's no judgment, no anger; he doesn't jump in and fix things, he doesn't try to parent me or my kids, he's helping me figure it out and backing me up. He shows me respect, and the change in my kids is astounding. I can't stay that I'm in love with him because I'm not even sure I know what that is anymore, but he sure seems to think I am. All I know is that when I'm with him, my soul is calm and my life is full. He doesn't make me promises he can't keep and he doesn't expect me to be anything or anyone other than what I am. He makes me think that there's happiness to be had for me, but the weight of that is not on his shoulders. Without trying, he's helping me find happy in me just by being himself and allowing me to be myself. So, I'm living the DO way. And I'm loving it.

Chicken Fried Steak and Chocolate Chip,

Princess out