And instantaneously after it was over once again, I felt empty. Like my wonderful full glass of happiness was drunk by you without any intentions of refilling it. And as it becomes full again and you become thirsty, you return just to guzzle it down.
Did you think i was a city big enough for a weekend getaway?
I am the town surrounding it, the one you've never heard of but always pass through
There are no neon lights here, no skyscrapers or statues
but there is thunder, for i make bridges tremble
I am not street meat, i am homemade jam thick enough to cut the sweetest thing your lips will touch
I am not police sirens, i am the crackle in a fireplace
I'd burn you and you wouldn't take your eyes off me
I am not a hotel room, i am home
I am not the whiskey you want. i'm the after you need
Don't come here with expectations and try to make a vacation out of me
-Rupi Kaur
Reading that poem one day hit me like running into a brick wall. I am not your vacation. I am not a convenience. I am not your call when nothing is happening. And it took me a while to understand that this was my fault. I let myself become the hotel room you stayed when nothing was right. Too many times I sat in my bed, staring at your attempts to swoon me and knowing to not respond because I was just your option of the hour. I began to ignore your first few calls but like clockwork, I answer cheerful and for some reason shortsighted.
But like Kaur said, I am not a vacation. It is quite honestly the most exhausting thing, pining for you to cancel your flight away and stay a little while longer. But a new adventure comes up and you decide that I am no longer your destination of choice. But the cycle still repeats.
Thats not how things should work. I should no longer see the need in straying my own pathways to walk on yours. I am the brightest, most wonderful sunshine and you will not take my rays of warmth when your moments are rainy. I am not a convenient friend.
So to anyone feeling like you are just continuously a quick stop in for someone, end it. Stop letting seesaw travelers get their fix on your hospitality. Treat others and treat yourself kindly. Treat others and yourself like home. Because nothing is worse than being someone’s vacation.
