Merriam-Webster defines trust as:
-- assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something;
-- one in which confidence is placed;
-- dependence on something future or contingent; hope

The hardest part of it all is trying to trust again. Having that confidence placed in not only others, but most importantly, yourself. Please bear with me; I am not going to sit here and whine about how relationships go sour, and how much dating sucks. Love – that word gets thrown around a lot. There are so many definitions of love too. I could go on all day about it and say things like love is love, or the heart wants what the heart wants. What I will say is that love does not hurt – it is the lies, the resentment, the flakiness, the infidelity. What hurts is loving someone who does not love you in return. What hurts is loving someone who is simply unable to reciprocate love, the way you want and need them to. It’s so hard to put yourself out there, in the first place. And, after each time you get hurt, it leaves a sort of Post-It note in the back of your brain, Remember what happened the last time you felt like this. Especially, when you have been hurt before by people who promised to do right by you. Hurt by people who have been honest, trustworthy and loyal until that faithful day that turned your world upside down. And, also hurt by people who have been hurt before, too.

Some of you might say, give me a break, lady. Everybody hurts. Yes, we do, but some of us find ways to cope with it, and channel it productively, while others live their whole lives bitter. I am not judging by all means, but I'm tired of the cycle. You know the cycle -- person gets hurt by another person (emotionally), than goes out and tries to get even with everyone they meet. It does not make any sense -- why are we using people as scapegoats to our shortcomings in life? No one deserves that nonsense! This is one of the reasons why I am skeptical. I've encountered way too many bitter men, who have it out for every female they meet. And, yes, I know there are bitter females out there, too. I am fully aware of that. I do know that I cannot be associated with that. Anyway, there is still life to be lived, and I plan on making the most of it! People make mistakes, it's all part of the human experience, but to hurt people on purpose, I am not okay with that.

I am not sure why they are bitter, or why they feel the need to hold their bitterness against new people they meet. What makes me even more skeptical, is that some guys are really good at hiding it until about three months in. And, than you realize that he is still hung up over an old flame, or the one that got away. History only repeats itself, if and only if, you allow it to. Bitterness -- some people are rightfully bitter. I get it, but how much longer can they hold onto this heaviness? This burden? I hope one day they find peace, and recognize how grateful they should be for the things they have in their life. This holds true for every single human walking this earth. Learning to trust yourself after someone hurts you is probably the hardest thing to do. Learning to make better decisions based on past experiences, not to hold your past experiences against anyone. I am my hardest critic, and I know if I don’t protect myself, no one will. I am learning to listen to my intuition more – if I feel anything even slightly off, I question it. Sometimes I question it verbally, and sometimes I keep it to myself. If the feeling gets stronger the more I spend time with this individual, than I let that person know that this is not working out for me. I don't owe anything to anyone, and visa versa.

Then, finally, someone incredible walks into your life and there are no red flags. You start to recognize the way the sun shines on them, the way they smile, their quirky mannerisms, and it feels like home. The way the sun shone on him that day, I went deaf and everything around me was happening in slow motion. A busy day in downtown Manhattan, windy as hell, and I stopped abruptly, and stared for a few seconds before continuing to walk in his direction. All I can remember thinking was, “Wow. He is a beautiful man.” My day does not feel the same if I do not get to talk to him. He is the one who helps motivate me on days when I just don’t feel like it. He is that special individual who doesn't see how truly special he is, and it makes me question what I did to deserve such a beautiful person in my life. Someone to share hopes and dreams with, aspirations, goals, music, random conversations with. It is all wonderful. And, whether it stays the way it is, or evolves into something even better, I am just grateful to have it right now. The way it is. I am still skeptical of it all -- I ask myself What are his intentions? What could he possibly want from me? But, there is no need to overthink, instead I am learning to just enjoy it for what it is.

I tend to overthink things, logically, I tend to question people's motives too. Why do people do the things they do? It is my pursued anthropology in college. Beside the encounters of bitter men, if you knew my past, you would understand why I am so skeptical! However, being a skeptic isn't always a bad thing. There are way too many people out there mistaking kindness for weakness. I have learned to question the things that don't feel right. I have also learned from my past experiences that things are not always what they seem! Sometimes, I am pleasantly surprised while most of the time I am not. Some people go and do things behind your back, but that doesn't mean all people will. Luckily, as of lately, I have been really pleasantly surprised as to how many wholesome people I have befriended. I mean, I know I am a good person, but I don’t feel like I deserve anything I have not earned. I am not entitled to love, I am not entitled to anything. If I am meant to, I will experience it.

As of right now, I am really happy, and I am grateful for my peace of mind. I am thankful for all the good and bad things that have brought me to this current position in my life. I am grateful to be who I am, and I have faith that everything will pan out after graduation the way it is meant to. Truly, I wouldn't be the person who I am today without all of the past events. However, no matter what, I will always continue to spread love, because that is who I am. To help motivate those around me to want more, to strive to be the best they can be. I will continue to listen to my intuition, and trust myself to make better judgments. I will not crash and burn, instead I will soar and fly. I will stay true to me, and not be bitter towards others because of my past.