I hate you.

I understand that in a sense, you have made me stronger, but I want nothing to do with you. I am angry towards you and that is a burden of its own. You are not 'keeping me grounded' you are weighing me down. College should be focused on school, friends, new experiences, and learning about myself.

But here I am, yet again, in the middle of the night trying to figure out my next move. Nothing went wrong today. In all fairness, I had a great day. So why am I trying to figure out if I need to call someone or just pop some melatonin and knock out for the night?

You eat at every good thing that has come my way. Every good memory I look back on, you taint. You are a drop of coffee on a snapshot of every good thing I've had. The more I look back at the good, the more you cover it up.

I feel fake to everyone I meet. Like they don't know me unless they know you, and that has to stop. Every relationship I've had you've managed to sneak in the back door, a mistress to the love I've tried so hard to give. Every friendship I've had you've tagged along without a single invite. Every bus ride on campus, you sit in the seat next to me, waiting for our stop.

I see my driven, happy-go-lucky brothers and I tense up, scared you will place a hand on them like you did to me or my best friend. You don't get a permanent place in my life, or anyone around me.

I want nothing more than to just be done with you but a pill won't fix what you've done. No doctors note will erase the damage you have caused or make you disappear but one day you'll be sorry.

One day you won't be a second thought or a minute of missed sleep. You won't be a 4 a.m. "I was working on a paper" lie to my closest friends. You won't be another emotional scar.

One day, you will be nothing and I won't stop until I am sure of it.