It is five in the morning. Normally sane people are probably still sleeping. Not me, though. I typically am up at this time, doing devotions, reading my Bible and talking to God. Lately though, my wake up times have been earlier.
Some nights, I have trouble falling asleep. I do the usual things whenever I can't fall asleep: drinking water, watching TV, even cleaning. Nothing works. All except crying. This has become my new normal. And I am not alone.
High-functioning depression affects all, but it really takes a toll on young adults like myself. On the outside, one might think that I'm ok; a proud and unashamed Christian, a proud college graduate of Indiana University, working as a journalist and having my own business. Seems like the American dream right? That's where you're wrong...
What people don't see (or read if you follow me on Twitter, Facebook and my other social media sites) that there is a sadness that I've kept hidden. It's a sadness that I have been battling ever since I was 8 years old. Ok, you're probably thinking, 'how in the heck someone can be sad and unhappy at 8???'
Growing up, I didn't have the best childhood. I was deemed as the 'problem child', because I also battle a mild form of autism, people didn't know how to deal with me. Mix in the daily bullying that occurred at school, my neighborhood and even at church, that can make one go crazy...and hurt...and depressed.
My childhood was spent on being alone. I was never invited to birthday parties and whatnot. In a way, I got used to it...and I still get used to it today. Being happy felt strange to me.
Whenever I have a happy phase in my life, I dread it because eventually the cycle of depression and pain comes in and takes over. Which leads me to these last several of weeks. I had been suffering panic attacks which eventually reached its peak. I've said and done things that my normal self wouldn't do. I knew that my depression had come back-this time with an intent to destroy. I began to overdose on my meds, I sipped on bleach infused with fruit punch and pushed some pretty special people away from me. I had it ground zero.
In a time where there is so much hatred and division that are separating friends, coworkers, even family members over all that is going on in the world today, one phrase has had a profound impact on me. Quoted first by a pastor that I have admired-Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church out of Charlotte, NC. His quote was this...ITS UP TO US!
It is up to us to have healthy dialogues on depression/mental health. I feel that people with mental illness aren't 'problematic people.' It is time to embrace people that are calling for help. Don't become a THEM...one who is fearful or not wanting to understand a person because they are deemed 'crazy'. We are so busy trying to critique people, we don't understand their perspective. All of us are #PerfectlyImperfect. And that is fine by me.
Of course, with me writing (well, typing) this post, I pray that this conversation on depression doesn't die. Once I told family and friends that I wanted to start up an online discussion on depression, so many have opened up their stories to me. People I never thought would have depression-do. Some have conquered their fight, others are like me, currently in the fight. Then I realize that there are those who are still finding their way in the dark path of depression-looking for a light. I hope and pray that this conversation will be like a beacon of hope. It might be a source of therapy if one isn't ready to make that step towards professional help, but I hope it is a start.
If you (or anyone you know) is needing a safe place to come and release the extra baggage that you (or they) are ready to let go, I pray that you join me on this Community Conversation.
