ever since i was little i've known i wasn't like the other kids. never was positive what was wrong with me, but something was up for sure.
it wasn't until i got older and was in 8th grade that i started to realize that whatever it was, it wasn't just a phase.
high school came around and i was dealing with a lot.
not a lot of my close friends know this but i dealt with eating disorders, anxiety and depression.
i didn't think telling people or talking to people would help me, so i kept it to myself.
then the messages started rolling into my tumblr inbox…of course, anonymous.
"kill your self."
"you're ugly and no one will ever want you. "
"kill your self you fat f**k"
great things to read when you've already got demons in your head telling you this.
it felt like the demons in my head came alive and accessed the internet just to validate themselves.
long story short, i dealt with my issues in ways that weren't the healthiest.
i might as well be honest because writing is all about honesty, right?
i would try and make myself puke…constantly.
self harmed. always. in various ways.
cried. a lot.
wore hoodies because i didn't want people to judge me more than i thought they already were.
always pushed people away.
and of course, i contemplated so many times about ending it all.
i never thought i was going to be good enough for anyone to ever care about me or love me.
so why not just end things and that's all?
again, mom i'm sorry.
i'm glad after high school, things got better.
i was still depressed and had anxiety. but we add overthinking to the mix.
i was depressed until about last year around june or july.
anxiety is still apart of me and so is depression, but they don't DEFINE who i am anymore.
i have my bad days but i have so many more good days now.
last year, i accepted Jesus into my heart.
this is super cheesy but Jesus really saved my life.
last year i was very depressed and confused about a lot. i wasn't myself. i completely lost my whole being.
thinking back at what i've grown through makes me realize that life is precious and God is good.
yeah, i had a very rough time but i appreciate life a heck of a lot more now, than i did then.
don't get me wrong, my life isn't all rainbows and sunshine.
i still go through my bad days except this time, i don't let the bad days have me.
i have a bad day but i wake up again and know that life is a beautiful thing and the world is magical and i want to explore it.
yes, being depressed and having anxiety and overthinking suck…but they've made me into who i am now.
if you're going through something, i promise you this. it does get better.
it might take a while.
you will get through it.
you will make it.
you are enough.
you are worthy.
you are incredible.
you are a force to reckoned with.
you deserve the world.
it's hard but sometimes we gotta lean on others on our bad days because we're not meant to do life alone.
talk to someone.
they will listen to you.
they care about you.
you're not a burden
you're not annoying.
you're a person who is going through something.
speak up, be you.
don't let the lies and the depression take control of you.