Depression. I used to be so scared of that word and never wanted to admit that I suffered from it and still do. Depression is weird. I like to compare it to a beach in some aspects. Some days its calm and not really present but then there are other days where it's a constant battle with a tidal wave.

I used to be afraid of admitting I had it because I looked at it as some sort of weakness. My outlook changed my Freshman year of college when I started a job at a behavioral health center. I realized that depression is not a form of weakness it is actually a form of strength. See the thing with depression is that we fight battles every single day. These battles can either build you or tear you down but its up to you to decide what affect it will have on you.

For awhile I let it tear me down. I used to be so sad and I would put on a show when I was around people pretending to be happy when in reality I would come home every night and cry. I would look in a mirror for hours and point out all the things that were wrong with me. I would critique the way I looked and I would point out every single flaw on every part of my body. I let all of my sadness build up. I never spoke about it and I was afraid to admit that I needed help. I didn't tell anyone about it. I didn't even want to admit to myself that there was an issue.

Finally my Sophomore year came around and I finally told myself that something needed to change. I no longer wanted the depression to control my life and rather than having it tear me down, I wanted it to build me up and make me stronger. I first admitted that there was a problem. From there I then decided to journal and write about all the things that caused me to be depressed. Slowly I started to feel better. I then decided to take it a step further and see someone and talk to them about my depression. I have so much that I have been through in life and I have finally come to the realization that talking about it or writing about it has been such a freeing experience.

I no longer sit and stare at the mirror pointing out my flaws instead each day I wake up and look in the mirror and give myself a compliment. Any time I go to the bathroom or see a mirror I give myself another compliment. The compliments are not all look based. Sometimes a simple you were kind today does the trick. I noticed that these small things have changed my perspective on life. I am happier. I am healthier. and I am dealing with a constant battle. Don't get me wrong there are still days where I struggle with sadness and I am not motivated but I still follow through with the compliments. I don't take medication for my depression but I do suffer. It is a very confusing thing to be honest. It can take over my life sometimes but at the end of the day I choose what route the depression will have on my life and I choose to let it build me rather than tear me down.