Whew! Finals are behind you, and you’re either en route or already home, hopefully, snuggled tightly between fluffy pillows and your dog. The natural progression is to then brew some cocoa and tune into some of your favorite Christmas movies. If you’re a millennial cynic like me, then you may notice the sheen fading from some childhood favorites. In honor of disillusionment, here’s a guide to help you
Aries, March 21 - April 19
Frosty the Snowman
Frosty may have a sunshine-y spirit, but let’s hope the weather doesn’t match it! In more capricious areas like the Midwest, Frosty will be safe for more than a day only if Hell, ahem, Chicago, freezes over. Enjoy your short, short existence Aries.
Taurus, April 20 - May 20
Clarence the Angel
I’m sure you’d like to spend Christmas Eve with family and friends, but if you’re Clarence the Angel you have to go save dudes with perfectly fine lives from jumping off of bridges. Instead of referring mentally ill people to a counselor, God sends down trepidacious angels to take people on the guilt trip of their lives. You, Taurus, are tasked with making people feel bad for being mentally ill. Take that, depression!
Gemini, May 21 - June 20
Santa’s Elves
Name five of Santa’s elves. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
That’s what I thought. I had to google it just to find that there’s that one in Rudolph with a dentistry degree, one in that Tim Allen movie named ‘Bernard’, and that Elf of ‘On The Shelf’ fame doesn’t get a name until some mom with too much time on her hands gives it one. You, Gemini, are like a teenage girl with a tattoo of an arrow or someone on the internet who thinks they’re original for making fun of teenage girls; a dime a dozen.
Cancer, June 21 - July 22
Ghost of Christmas Present
Heartburn. Heartburn forever.
Leo, July 23 - August 22
Ghost of Christmas Future
You spend all morning trying to look your best, getting ready for some haunting. Lipstick, contour, you even got your eyeliner to match for once. I mean, you’re absolutely slaying. And it’s all for nothing, because you’re hidden beneath a hood for 99% of the time, and at the last second you have to make yourself look like a skull, even though you’re obviously not a skull, what kind of calcium do you have to eat to make your bones do that?!? It’s depressing, it really is. Your life is just as futile, Leo.
Virgo, August 23 - September 22
Donner the Reindeer
I had to put ‘the reindeer’ up there because otherwise you might think I was talking about the Donner Party, which is about as Christmasy as a railroad spike to the eye. Again, do you know anything about Donner? They’re such a forgettable reindeer that half of the world are pretty sure their name is Donder. That’s how forgettable you are, dear Virgo. If people have heard of you at all, they’re not even sure what your name is.
Libra, September 23 - October 22
Jack Skellington
Jack, exhausted by his routine, tried to add variety to his life by doing (a form of) community service. It literally blew up in his face. So Libra, if you choose to try to change yourself, just know that it will probably end badly, and you really ought to just stay home.
Scorpio, October 23 - November 21
Buddy the Elf
Sure, you’re happy and cheerful now, and your girlfriend thinks it’s adorable. But dear Scorpio, the honeymoon period always ends eventually. First, you’ll probably die of diabetes by 35 (really? candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup? Candy corn isn’t even Christmas themed!). Second, the missus can’t handle the childish wonder act forever. Can you spell ‘divorce’ in the snow?
Sagittarius, November 22 - December 21
Jack Frost
Cold in the streets, chill in the sheets. Sorry Sagittarius.
Capricorn, December 22 - January 19
Ghost of Christmas Past
You’re either some weird little kid with fire for a head or a young very pretty lady forced to talk to old men for eternity. Not the best gig, Capricorn. Looks like you’re obsessed about everybody else’s old mistakes, which is not the best way to make new friends.
Aquarius, January 20 - February 18
Rudolph
Aquarius, you’re weird and no one likes you. Oh, suddenly your weirdness is useful at work? Now you’re admired for about 36 hours. And then you’ll go tumbling back to being the butt of everyone’s jokes, with the added bitterness of jealousy left over from your fifteen seconds of fame.
Pisces, February 19 - March 20
The Grinch
Heart attack. Sorry, man.
