Thanksgiving Foods: Ranked
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Thanksgiving Foods: Ranked

A definitive ranking.

Thanksgiving Foods: Ranked
Plainville Farms

The season leading up to this year's Thanksgiving has caused a lot of opposing opinions regarding politics and the current state of our world. I don't know about you, but, quite frankly, I am sick of trying to explain my political opinions to those who don't want to listen, and have decided it's not worth the frustration to talk about it at Thanksgiving dinner. But you know what I am ready to rave about? The spread on the damn table. I'll be set with my goblet of wine, ready to roll if anyone dare challenge the definitive list below of Thanksgiving food, ranked from worst to most heavenly:

9. Giblets

Ew, seriously? People actually eat these? That's some Khaleesi-level-weird right there. Sorry, you're not gonna see me eating hearts 'n' shit while I look my grandma in the eye and tell her thanks for the crisp 20 she slipped me before we sat down at the table.

8. Root Vegetables

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Listen, I'm all about the colorful plate idea, and I love veggies. But Thanksgiving is not a time for "balance" and "health". It's for stuffing my face with some goddamn carbs. End of story. Get out of here with that nonsense.

7. Sweet Potatoes

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Man, I kinda feel bad for sweet potatoes. They're pretty good. But when I turned 17, my mom said I was too old to still prefer sweet potato casserole topped with marshmallows, and switched to a crunchy nut topping. Instant downgrade.

6. Cranberry Sauce

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Honestly, nothing says "Let's go back to the sexist, racist 50s" quite like a can of jellied cranberry sauce that's still molded to the shape of the can after it slides onto a plate. But hey, it adds a nice zing, and I've grown to love the whole-cranberry variety. It feels like I'm going back to the olden days, before we had 'jellied' anything. A true remnant of Ye Olde Harvest.

5. Rolls

Now we can really kick off the carb-coma! These suckers are the perfect vessel for cranberry sauce, gravy, potatoes - everything. They're the real MVP of cleaning the plate. Bonus points if they're flaky buns, then you can make mini-sandwiches.

4. Turkey

No, the bird doesn't top the list. It's definitely a staple, so it's not the worst item on the list, but it has some major improving to do. Sometimes, one can cook the ~perfect~ turkey. But more often than not, the only parts that aren't as dry as the Sahara are the dark-meat drumsticks, and those *always* go to the little brats at the table. Ugh, kids.

3. Gravy

Not necessarily a food on its own, but most of the foods on this list wouldn't be ranked nearly as high, were it not for this flavorful river of beauty adding moisture to each morsel.

2. Stuffing

Do people still actually stuff the bird with this anymore? That sounds nasty and unnatural. Then again, I guess the whole idea of Thanksgiving is a little messed up. Whatever, more bread. Second place.

1. Mashed Potatoes

Ah, yes. The Holy Grail of Thanksgiving dinner. The mashed potatoes. Smooth, chunky, creamy - it doesn't matter how you cook them, this dish is impossible to mess up. Potatoes go with everything, and don't tell me that in your tryptophan-induced stupor, you don't find the experience of filling a mashed potato-volcano with gravy mesmerizing. This is the only food worthy of the #1 spot on all holiday tables.

And if you do disagree with my definitive ranking, it's your First Amendment right to say giblets are the best. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving, and don't forget to honor the Natives we screwed over while you're digging in - and remember that they're still fighting to not be screwed over now! If you're interested in learning more, check out what's going on at Standing Rock.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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