A wonderful thing about living on the world’s largest campus is that it is mostly undeveloped forest with mountains, foothills and maybe a couple thousand deer. With over 27,000 acres comes a drawback: Those crunchy granola kids. I rank someone who is granola between someone who does CrossFit and a vegan.

Granola, while being a healthy snack high in fiber, can also be used to describe a certain type of person that plagues college campuses everywhere. If you are unsure if you or a loved one might be granola, refer to this handy list. Simply check off what applies to you and if you get more than 3 I am so sorry, there is no cure, leave this article before you spread your disease. But without further ado…

SO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE GRANOLA!

• You wear Chaco’s to go hiking (that’s how you break an ankle kid, they’re sandals, not boots).
• You think hiking is a cleared 3 mile trail with a slight incline (first you hike to the trailhead, then your hike begins).
• You just had to Google what a trailhead was...
• You own a Patagonia (bonus if you have a Chattagonia sticker).
• Your Nalgene is covered in Eno and Blue Sky stickers.
• You didn’t know Eno was an acronym.
• You just had to Google what Eno stood for (delete your browser history).
• You bought an Eno and not spent an entire night in it.
• A Camelbak bladder is a daily carry (you’re not running a marathon).
• You don’t know where the Appalachian Trail begins or ends.
• You don’t know where Pike’s Peak is.
• Your back windshield has more stickers than a 6 year old girl’s journal.
• If you use a GoPro for daily, mundane activities.
• If you don’t know how to tie a figure 8 knot (Google it, go ahead, I’ll wait).
• You just messed up that knot.
• You eat trail mix daily (you’re not burning enough calories for that).
• You have a Carabiner within 3 feet of your person right now (planning on bouldering any time soon?).
• And finally, if you go camping but sleep in your car because you don’t know how to set up a tent correctly, you’re granola af.

Well hopefully I helped a few of you lost souls realize who you truly are. I heard there are support groups for stuff like that, Granola Anonymous. Anyway I got to go kayak a double black diamond with no harness while growing a handlebar mustache. Peace out.