Growing up church was never a thing that was forced upon me in my house. My mother came from a very strict mormon house hold and my dad's parents were not very religious. So they did not want to force their ways of what we should believe upon my brother and I. Of course my family and I believed in jesus and believed in heaven and all of the above, but never did we go to church on Sunday or really talk about god unless it was christmas or a special holiday.
As I got older I started to find the love that god had to offer for me by myself and I started pursuing a relationship with jesus that I never had before. But as I got older and I went into high school, I started to realize that something had to give in order to become "popular" in high school. Meaning to be considered popular in high school it seemed like you had to either drink or smoke to hang out with the kids that were considered "popular".
So throughout high school I was always in this internal battle with myself. On one hand, I wanted to drink and go to parties and fit in with that crowd because in my mind growing up, thats what I thought you had to do to make friends and feel accepted. But on the other hand I knew those things weren't consider "christian like things to do". But I was so hung up on this idea of what high school and my life should be like that I turned away from god and only called on him when I was in need.
Looking back now as a senior in high school, that is completely not accurate. You do not have to do any of those things for people to like you or want to become friends with you, but trying to explain that to a 14 year old girl who wanted so desperately to be liked and wanted was not an easy task.
My parents told me while I was growing up that how you treat people and how you carry yourself is what defines you as a "good christian" as well as a good person. But when I would go to youth group every Wednesday night, I was told differently. This left me more confused than ever because I didn't want to purposely be disobedient to god, but I also just wanted so badly to fit in, in high school.
As time went on, my relationship with jesus would come in waves, I would still pray every night but I wasn't really pursuing a relationship with him because of the guilt I had for things I would do.
I felt confused because I did love him and believed in him, but I also liked being young and being able to have the freedoms of trying new things such as alcohol or going to parties. But whenever I would wake up the next morning I would feel guilty and undeserving of his love, despite knowing that it was endless for me.
Four years later I still don't have it figured out. Maybe I never will and I always will be at war with myself and questioning "Am I a good christian?"
Here's my idea on it all: Jesus's love is unconditional and will never run out for us and I don't think any of us will ever get it right. Maybe there is no such thing of "standards" that define you as a "good christian", maybe it really is just the way you treat people.
I'll never know until its my time to meet with the big man upstairs, my advice is just continue to live your life and to be a good & kind person. Smile at strangers, pray for your friends, love each and every person unconditionally even if they have done you wrong, because "that's what freaking jesus would do." (If you understand my grey's reference we are automatically best friends already)
If you want to drink and smoke and party all the time then live it up and be safe but if not and you're front and center every Sunday morning singing along to "Amazing Grace" then props to you. Because there is no such thing as a "good christian" there is only good people and kind acts.
If we continue to live our life's in fear that we aren't living exactly how jesus would then we will never truly live at all. Because life is all about taking risks and having some fear and making mistakes but still knowing at the end of the day that as long as you're learning from your mistakes you're still so loved and adored by the one above.
xo.
