I have been thinking about death a lot lately, or to be more exact life after a death that has rocked me to my core. When someone, a loved one or a close friend, dies suddenly, it sort of takes your breath away and forces you to reevaluate. You begin to reevaluate your own life, what your life was with that person and how your life will be now after they have gone. You begin to reminisce which allows for the denial stage of grief to take hold of you, as you think over and over again “this isn’t possible; this isn’t true; this is all a bad dream”.

A year ago my great-grandmother passed away. We all knew that the time had come and that is was for the best, but death is never easy and despite me knowing that it was inevitable, my world was thrown. Two months ago my grandfather passed away suddenly and my world was shifted off of its axis, once again.

Regret comes first, along with pain and anger- anger at yourself and at the world. Regret consumes the body in the first few days, as you lie there thinking about how you should’ve called more, just to say “Hi” and “I miss you” or wrote that “thank-you” card instead of watching Netflix in your free time. You being to think of all the times you could have joined the family when they all went out to camp, instead of working or hanging out with your boyfriend. You think about every holiday get together and realize you should have engaged more conversations with them, got to know them better. You begin to wonder why you put things off, like that painting you were going to do for them. This is where the anger comes in. You surround yourself in a stormcloud, lashing out at others as you fight through your inner turmoil. You yell and cry and scream in the shower, begging for it to all be an incredibly sick joke. You ask the question “why?” repeatedly. Why now? I was two weeks away from the end of the semester and couldn’t wait to give my Papa the painting I had submitted in an art show. Why him (or her)? He was on his way home after spending his winter in Florida. He was coming back to us for another summer on the lake. Why? After your grief as subsided enough that you are able to control your emotions, you begin to realize life. Death is an imminent force of nature and sucks as much anything could suck, but life is the greatest thing imaginable. Life is the best, and the worst gift that can be given to someone swimming in grief. Death has changed me but I am changing my life.

I am beginning to take nothing for granted and I want the most out of everything, whether it is an hour spent with friends, my summer vacation or simple family time at the dinner table. Time with family is a precious thing.

I am documenting everything, from taking endless pictures to an obsession with finding out our family tree. I knew nothing about my Papa- I had no clue that he was born in Arkansas or that he used to coach Pop Warner football. I never knew that my Gram was a nurse or a Sunday School teacher.

I’ve become blunter and less afraid to be honest, despite if I know the truth might hurt. My grandfather was an extremely blunt man and as my Gram got older, she too became very blunt.

I am following my dreams. I bought a car this week with the savings bonds given to me by my Gram and Papa from every birthday celebration and Christmas. This winter I plan on studying abroad, a dream I have held onto forever. There are completely different worlds out there that I have yet to explore. I want to emerge myself into a new culture and gain memories and a type of knowledge that can only be achieved through a hands-on learning process.

I will love you forever, Gram and Papa. I hope I am making you proud.