Dear White People, Why Do You Do Such Weird Shit?

Dear White People, Why Do You Do Such Weird Shit?

Even as a white person, I am still baffled by some of the shit we do.
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I want to know why... Why do white people do such weird shit?

I mean, how could white people give us Albert Einstein, Emimen, Edgar Allen Poe, yet also, throw in Snookie and Jeffrey Dalhmer? How could a race just evolve from the Royal Throne to Toddlers and Tiaras? The only thing I can say: ya'll need to chill the fuck out.

Growing up white, I never understood white culture, similar to how I have never understood Calculus. I suffer from what I like to call: "inside-out Oreo syndrome," meaning I'm pasty white on the outside, but hood on the inside. Every day, I stroll through the white trash, hipsters, and srat stars in my neighborhood, thinking that white people do some dumb shit, like all the time. On one occasion or another, I have had a black friend genuinely ask me about the inner workings of the very common Caucasian. A couple days ago, my boss and I decided to file our to-do list away and debate about white people. Honestly, I am not a white person scientist, nor am I a model white person, so I can't answer half these questions.

So, it's up to you, the white people of the world, to riddle me this, to answer my long awaited questions.

Dear white people, why are you so petty?

You will be holding onto grudges with the same person you fucked with in middle school. This girl might have taken your pudding or played footsies with your crush, and you still aren't talking to this bitch.

Dear white people, why do you love camo so much?

You tryna hide some shit? Is it turkey season already? Do you live in woods?

Dear white people, why do you pay $8 for cigs?

Also, why don't you smoke menthols? If you are going to smoke, might as well go all in with the extra 7,000 chemicals you get with a menthol. Plus, why the fuck are you paying 8$ for a pack of American Spirits? I don't think that organic tobacco will give you that dank organic cancer.

Dear white people, what is up with the Organic obsession?

I am sure your broccoli would taste better without a side of Roundup, but that organic Oreo isn't a part of your "Mediterranean" diet.

Dear white people, why do you only drink Burnett's, Four Lokos, and Natty Light?

I understand that broke college kid pre-alcoholic life, but where is the Henny? Are we 14 and drinking in a park?

Dear white people, why do you treat your dogs like people?

This one get me. That dog is an animal. It should not be on your bed, kissing your mouth, eating your food, getting hair everywhere. Why is your dog eating better food than me??

Dear white people, why can't y'all move your hips?

Ladies, shake your ass, not your back. Guys, don't just stand there, struggling to find a beat. I believe in you.

Correct --->

Try again --->

Dear white people, why do you always have to investigate that strange noise in the haunted house?

Why are you surprised that you get killed? That's like inviting the ghost to possess you. Grab your Bible and book it, bitch.

Dear white people, why are you obsessed with Nicholas Sparks?

It's like Cinderella, except more nauseating... and unrealistic... and white. *vomits*

Dear white people, why do you love super lifted, flashy trucks?

Four words: truck sluts, micro penis.

Dear white people, why do you wear Birkenstocks with everything?

Unless your name is Jesus "MotherFucking" Christ, you can turn water into wine, die for our sins, and walk on water, you should not be wearing Jesus Sandals. Wear. Some. Real. Shoes. I don't care how comfy they are; wear some damn sneakers.

Dear white people, why do you obsess over shit like Harry Potter and Star Wars?

I get it, it's a dope story line. However, you are not a wizard. As for Star Wars, how many movies can they make? How many is this, 8? That's 7 too many.

Dear white people, why do you love Chipotle?

They don't have queso, so they aren't shit.

Dear white people, why do you love "Grey's Anatomy" so much?

It's like ER, except shittier dialogue, characters, and plot. Watch out Dr. McDreamy, George Clooney still has my heart.

And finally, dear white people, why can't you answer my questions?

White people shit.



Cover Image Credit: Snuggie / Amazon

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