Hey there old friend,

I know it seems like I don’t care that our friendship vanished, but I promise you I do. I know it seems like I don’t want to be friends anymore, but that’s not the case. We’ve drifted and I can’t quite say that I know what happened. I don’t have the answer to why it happened, I just know that it did.

We drifted away and just gave up on everything that we had. We both had our faults. Neither of us fought for our friendship, we both just let it go away. It’s been a while since we even talked, rather we walk past each other like we were never best friends.

I do want to thank you for being there for me through everything. For bringing so much laughter into my life and making me smile when I never wanted to. You’ve done so much for me and I can never fully thank you. You never failed to listen to my problems, or offer me advice on the stupid boys I kept falling for. You were there for some of the toughest times in my life, as I was for you. I might not have listened to all the advice you gave me, but just know that I regret that. You always knew just what to say. You’re an honest and caring person and I wouldn’t want you to be any different.

Looking back on our friendship, I realize that maybe I didn’t listen enough. That maybe you needed me more than you wanted to let on and I never noticed. I was too caught up in whatever I was doing to notice that you needed me more than you wanted to let on. But if was going to be completely honest, I felt like you never wanted to be there for me. I held so much in because I felt like I lost you and couldn’t come to you. I was drowning and couldn’t turn to you for help.

I know that I held a lot in. I was pretty great at pushing everyone, including you, away from me. But it was because I was afraid to say a lot of those things out loud and I never quite knew how you’d react. We came from different places and it was sometimes hard to fully open up despite you being one of my best friends.

We could have tried harder. Both of us could have worked so much harder. But honestly, I didn’t know what else to do. So I went back to my safety net and completely pulled away.

It was hard because sometimes I just needed space, and sometimes that was something you didn’t want to give. But I didn’t know how to tell you that. I didn’t want to hurt you, that was never my intention. But I didn’t know how to handle the situation.

I promise that I never stopped caring. I still care and I still want to make sure that you’re doing alright. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and living the best life possible.

I’m sorry that sometimes my sass gets in the way. I’m sorry that I’m so distant and sometimes a terrible friend. I’m sorry that I could never fully drop the wall I built, even after a few years of friendship. I never meant for it to end like this. But yet, I didn’t try to stop it.

I let you down. I left you like I told you I’d never do.

I know it’s too late to go back to how things were, but just remember this. No matter what is going on in your life, I will always be there for you. I would love for things to go back to how they were, but I’m not sure if that’s possible. I promise to work harder and to be a better friend.

At the end of the day, I’ll always be there for you. I care about you and you’ll always be one of my greatest friends. You taught me so much about life and friendship. Some of my favorite memories from the past three years are with you. I can’t erase the memories that we created with each other, and to be honest, I’m not sure that I want to do that.

You were my person, my best friend. We’d spend many times sitting on our beds talking about life. We weren’t afraid to try new things because we had the best support group in the world. So I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better friend. I know that I was selfish at times.

Things change. People change and hearts change. Life and love go on and we learn to appreciate our friendships for the time we have them, even if at the end of the day they fade away like they were never strong.

If I’ve learned anything through this, I’ve learned what it feels like to pretend I’m okay with all of this when I’m not. I don’t know if things will ever change. I don’t know if we’ll ever have what we had before, but just know that I’ve been thinking about it and I’m truly sorry.

Love always,

A friend who hasn’t been the best