Dear Office Candy Dish,
You are the most awful thing to happen to my workplace. Fuck you.
You're probably thinking this is about temptation, right? You probably think your hardened bits of colored sugar are a threat to my waistline or something. No. I'm not worried about that, but every time someone walks in the door, they see your shining surfaces and immediately have to take one of the solidified glucose globules you hold. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if they managed to quietly eat their candies like civilized human beings. Unfortunately, no such civilized human beings ever cross that threshold.
Every time one of them opens up a wrapper, they insist on assaulting my ears with a chorus of smacks and slurps. Not unlike a cow, yet, somehow far worse. The cow can't help it, humans can. Seriously, how hard can it be to keep one's mouth closed as one enjoys the simple pleasure of a piece of candy. It isn't necessary to continue to smack and make nummy noises the entire time. I know this as I have managed to keep my mouth closed and silent whenever I eat as I am a civilized person who was taught manners.
One of the problems with having manners, however, is that it is quite rude to call out others for their poor behavior as it may hurt their feelings, and in turn, business. Just know, you shiny plastic torture device, I fantasize daily about smashing you to pieces. Thoughts of setting you on fire and watching you melt in the flames bring a smile to my face. I dream of locking you away where nobody will ever find you so that I can finally have some peace and quiet for once!
I have done that before, as you probably remember. There was one blissful month of silence. Occasionally i would be asked about your absence and would simply state that we were fresh out of candy, so sorry to disappoint! Ahh, sweet, sweet silence. I could hear myself think that month. I was able to get things done quickly and efficiently. Now it's a steady stream of cacophony. Your very existence makes me want to strangle every mouth-breathing moron that passes through the door. The maddening noise makes me want to vomit and run away screaming.
You and I both know that there is no way to wire everyone's jaw shut to prevent the disgusting discord. There can only be one of us. I will find a way to destroy you somehow. True, my past attempts have been for naught, but I will find a way to defeat your villainy and prevent further assault on my ears. I will feel the silence again, candy dish! You'll see! I WILL END YOU!!!
Sincerely,
Misophonia sufferer
P.S.
Fuck you again!
