Dear Scott,
I read your facebook post and I was deeply moved by your bravery while simultaneously being concerned with your tone. I too have struggled greatly with suicide and depression. I know that feeling of shame all too well. I am ashamed of my actions, my thoughts, my words, my mind. I am ashamed of this other side of me because it is scary and painful and dark and deep and you don’t want anyone, especially those you love, to see it. I can only imagine how that feeling would be magnified under the public eye.
The hospital can be a cold and unforgiving place but it can also breathe opportunity into your life that you never expected in the form of a harsh reminder of the value of your life. My anxiety rules my life. My mental illnesses rule my life. I know that pain all too well as it’s one I’ve had to learn to manage since I was 5 years old. You may never read this, and you may never even know I exist, but I know you exist. I’ve been listening to your music since the 6th grade. You matter to me and to the over 573,000 people who have seen your post. You matter to your daughter, to your family, to your friends, and to your fans. I am so proud of you for taking the step to check yourself into rehab because that shows you have a strong will to live, stronger than many others who have lost this fight.
Be unapologetic in your treatment process. In other words, do not apologize for getting help, for admitting you have demons. Although our mental health shapes us and our lives and our abilities to function, it does not make us who we are. It should not define us although it often defines our lives. I have been in and out of the hospital my whole adult and teenaged life. I have been on and off medication, in and out of therapy, experimenting with treatment options and self-love, and have gone through a harrowing and perilous journey of self-discovery - one that lies in wait for you as well. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to have your moments of weakness. It’s all part of the journey.
For me, you went from another rapper to a hero in a matter of minutes. The step you took to save your life is heroic in and of itself. People who suffer from mental illness are the true heroes without capes. So I have one request - live. Do it for the people around you but most importantly, do it for you. Live for you. People are fleeting, they come and go, but you are forever in your own life and if you cannot live for yourself why live for anybody else? Be your own cheerleader. Be your own hero. Don’t feel like shit for taking care of yourself. Don’t feel like shit for trying to find your will to live and to heal. It will be a long, grueling process filled with questions that never get answered, pain that doesn’t go away, and the realization that there is no cure for diseases of the mind. You can only manage what you go through and that is the very best any of us can do. Please don’t be discouraged as it will only make you stronger. Please don’t lose faith in yourself as there are so many people waiting for you. The better you is waiting for you. The reborn you is waiting for you. We’re all on the pursuit of happiness. It’s up to you to find the path to your own happiness. Stay strong, live long, and never give up.
From one survivor to another,
Courtney
