The countless anxiety attacks you went through for being afraid. Afraid of not pleasing your friends, afraid of not being enough, going through the ridiculous boyfriend problems NO teenager should ever need to deal with; For struggling with being positive due to the issues you had at home, and for just simply making your head go completely insane for crap that (in reality) wasn't your fault. I will never forget the nights I cried myself to sleep over the huge amount of stress of multiple issues.
As a dance major in high school, you learn very quickly in the dance world how critical it can be within the other dancers around you, the teachers training you, and the choreographers who recruit you in pieces to showcase at our dance concerts. In almost every dance environment, 'favoritism' is a real thing. If you aren't hard-core trained and full of technique... you're not the best. Judgement can be so toxic in the dance environment only because its always about 9/10 times a competition. You have to fight to be in the dance pieces you want to be a part of. Even when you have that "amazing" group of friends... it all downfalls when it comes to certain things like 'stealing' the spot they wanted, or when they're stressed out about dance itself and take it out on you, and when they just aren't 100% real and decide to talk about you amongst others. It's a real thing.
It's all a mess. A mess within the mindset that you are never good enough. Being in high school, you don't have enough control to make [almost any] decisions for yourself. Aside from dance, even living in the environment I lived in made me get no real escape from any negativity. Being constantly put down, and having to hear countless complaints about you being "useless" and "never doing anything right" can really hurt a kid. Whether you're a child, teenager, or reaching into your adult life... constantly hearing how little satisfaction you give to anyone close in your life can damage you. I still suffer (or freak out) on things that I automatically assume will make me a disappointment to specific people that constantly show/tell me I can't do anything right.
I can only give myself so much credit on the amount of crap I put myself through growing up with all those whom surrounded me. I am thankful in a way to say I went through this because I wouldn't be who I am today without these experiences. I am a very spoken, self driven, and strong woman because of everything. I know what I want, I don't put up with less than what I know I don't need to deal with anymore... and I am me. Plain. Old. Simple. Me... and I rock at being me. I still have so much life left in me and I have yet to even see what's going to change throughout time. It took me two years after high school to finally accept the past for what it was and actually let it go. In which I might have not fully let go, but I know my worth and I know what I want in my life and that's positive people and vibes around me only.
To myself, and to whomever might be in the exact same shoes,
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