The holidays are a hard time of year for the family. We've lost a lot of people we hold dear but for me, the hardest hit was losing you. Despite not being physically close because of being hours apart, I felt like there was no one in the world that I loved more than you.
Fourteen years after losing you and I still feel like I can hear the hospital beeping and the crying of our family like it's happening right in front of me all over again. I remember explaining to my baby sister the magnitude of the loss that had occurred. I remember being so angry that it was you that had to go.
No one tells you just how awful losing someone feels. They can't possibly explain the emptiness that follows or the anger. They can't explain the lifetime of "what-ifs" and "why them" that eats away at you. No one tells you just how hard it is to keep moving because life doesn't stop for you when you lose someone.
It's definitely been hard. I never imagined that I would get by and be normal without you, but I made up my mind early on that you were still here somehow, and that's what gets me by. I listen to Elvis songs and I think of you. I see a ladybug and I know you're here. I look at my sister and the fire in her eyes and it reminds me of you.
I talk about you to anyone who will listen, just like you used to talk to people about me. I find myself thinking of you and your funny faces. I think of your stubborn nature and the way you held your ground. I think of the way you hated being taken care of, even in the hospital.
I think of the things you went through and the incredible amount of strength that you possessed. I think about how proud you would be of my sister and I. I think of how much you and my sister are alike in spirit and strength and how much she'd love you.
Thinking about you makes me sad, I will admit. But mostly it makes me happy. Thinking about you and talking about you as if you're still here is how I get by. Losing you definitely left a hole in certain parts of my life. I can't remember hearing you say that you loved me, but I knew.
I do my best to keep you alive in any way that I can. I keep your picture in my car and I talk to you. I pick on my family instead of handing out "I love you's". I talk to my sister about just how great you were to us, even though she won't remember. I pray that one day I'll have a little girl and see pieces of you in her.
Missing you has yet to get any easier, but thinking of you and smiling makes it a little less sad. I miss you now just as much as I did when I first lost you. I can't wait to see you again and talk about everything you've missed.
Love you forever.
