Hey,

It’s not what you think I promise. I’m not in love with the smell of your hair, the color of your eyes, or the shape of your nose. I don’t think about touching your knee and letting it slide up. In fact, none of those things come to my mind when I think about you. When I think of you I think of the things you say and the way you say them. I think “gee, I want to just--!” Just what? Just kiss you? Nah. I don’t want that either. What I want more than anything from you is your time, your attention. I’m not attracted to you physically; I’m not romantically leaning toward you; however, my heart still hurts with joy when you like my Facebook status, or when you say hi to me in the hallways, or even meet my eyes and give me one of those “bro” nods and smirks. I don’t want to sleep with you or kiss you or hold your hand (okay, maybe I want to hold your hand a little but, dude, not like romantically).

I want to be more than your Facebook friend or that friend you know from school.

I have a crush on you because I long to be by your side; I want to play broad games with you; I want to get drunk with you; I want to have long talks about books, TV shows, movies, our histories, our crushes, and the things we love to hate; I want to debate with you about politics, grammar, and language (so long as we agree on the really important things); I want to develop secret codes with you; I want to build a fort with you; I want to be able to call you a "bitch" or an "asshole" in a mean but endearing way without you feeling offended or me feeling like a complete idiot.

The reason I call it a crush because I know that friendships can be just as strong as romantic relationship without all the romantic problems and with all the opportunities for true commitment, dedication, conversation, and inside jokes without the weird gross things like sex, romantic feelings, and mouth-to-mouth kissing.

You're the kind of person who says things I love. You have passion coming out of your energetic smiles as you talk about the things you love no matter how small they are. I'm always impressed by your eloquence and pleased when you can understand what I am saying. I sometimes think of all the great things you'll do and I feel so proud as if you are a friend close enough to make that pride in you reasonable and not so...creepy?

A lot of people say "just ask to be their friend" and I don't think they get it. This is hard for me because I know I don’t have much to offer and I know how hard it is to hold on to me as a friend and how hard it is for me to hold onto friends; I’m slippery and so is my grasp. I don’t mean to idolize you and put you on a pedestal, past friends of mine will tell you that that makes me a dangerous friend to have. I’ll put you up so high and I’ll hear you say one thing, you’ll do one thing, and I’ll see you fall and my heart will grow cold because just the idea of you made it warm.

So don’t be the friend that hangs out with me, plays board games with me, or make forts with me, because I’m not the kind of friend you want. But keep being my friend on Facebook, keep nodding at me in the hallway and let it be at that; I’m sure you deserve the better friends who won’t let small things get in the way and I’m not idealizing you when I say that.

Ugh, this isn’t a call for someone to contradict me either, especially not you oh friend-crush of mine; I’m smart enough to know my own capabilities and toxicity. I didn't mean for this letter to get so series and introspective but sometimes that just happens.

Thanks for reading!