Getting ready for my first year of college brought on stress, anxiety and existential contemplation. That entire month of preparation included mounds of lists and Post-It notes, which eventually manifested into mounds of (eventually unnecessary) stuff in my dad’s pickup truck.

Through the lists and seemingly perfect planning, I remember that there was one thing that I wanted to make sure I would never leave behind, and that was my passion. My passion, my drive and my ambition is what pushed me through the many newspaper articles that barely made deadline, the excruciating amount of photos I had to take for a certain issue, my busy schedule as an editor, dedicated musician and drama kid, while being stressed out for my desire for perfection.

I took pride in my passion and my drive. It was my source of confidence and a leading factor for my “go get ‘em” attitude. While high school is very different than college, I feel like that confidence is more attainable in high school. Sure, everyone tells you college makes your dreams a reality, but college could also distract from the passion that originally motivated an individual to attend a certain institution.

Between trying to adapt to life during freshman year, trying to somehow find a solid group of friends, and keeping a scholarship, college is the true test of adulthood and whether or not one will rise to the occasion and accomplish every little thing one may want.

Sadly, it’s hard to keep an eye on the prize when everything is thrown at you all at once.

This past year, I have fallen victim to the loss of passion. I lost sight of my hopes and dreams and got caught up in the rush of things. Now to be clear, I didn’t party, I didn’t date, I didn’t do any of the things that others normally did, I just ignored what once gave me motivation to get up in the morning. I ignored me and became routinized, conditioned to life without my passion.

While my major still gave me education in a field that I still continue to enter in five to six years, I completely forgot why I was doing what I was doing and why I stopped doing what I loved.

I remember specifically skipping out on so many opportunities, running out of an introduction meeting because I was too intimidated, and ignoring my family and friends who said that I had stopped doing what I loved.

I gave excuses for why I didn’t write for the school newspaper, why I didn’t attend a scholarship meeting, why I completely shelved my instruments and my talents and the things that once brought me so much joy.

Frankly, I think I became a bit of robot that got way too used to an easy routine, that didn’t involve a challenge and I ignored everything that pushed me to this point.

The thing I didn’t want to lose most, was the thing I gave up.

After almost an entire summer after my freshman year, I look back and think, “Wow, what happened? I gave up on everything because I was scared,” and “Why did I stop doing that?”

I knew what I was doing and continued to ignore the fact that I was losing everything that gave me happiness. I started to push it away.

I’m disappointed in myself now and yes, there will be changes this upcoming year. But my advice to whoever is going into college, don’t be afraid to forget a pair of boots you may wear once or Keurig machine, be afraid to lose the passion that brought you this far.

Be afraid to wake up in the morning with nothing to look forward to. Be afraid to forget the things that make you happy and then fear yourself, because, if you’re like me, you’ll completely ignore that instinct and give every excuse in the book to avoid it.

Life isn’t about structure or fitting in somewhere, it’s about being happy and loving every second. It’s finding a purpose and using your passion and talent to do what you’re meant to do.