Why do you make it difficult for me to want to get out of bed most days? You make me want to stay under my blankets all day and all night. Why do you enjoy making me feel the way I do? Why do you like to pop up whenever you feel like it and vanish as if you were never there? I just wish I could make you stop, make you go away and close the hole that you created in me.

Every day it is a constant fight. A constant fight over my body and my mind. My body wants to fight, while my mind is telling me to give up, that I will never win and that it is a hopeless fight. I have learned over the past year how to cope with you and how to deal with you. I have learned what medications to take to postpone the inevitable fear of you coming back into my life, and I have learned how to act around others when you decide to make an appearance. However, I am choosing to stand. I am choosing to fight once more. I am choosing to not hide in the darkness that you bring and I am choosing to create a bright light so that you can no longer control me.

I want to gain my life back. I am slowly learning what it takes to push you away, to defeat you. I am learning your ways, and I am choosing to push back when you arrive. I am done taking medication to prevent you from arriving in my mind. I am done letting you choose what I do and who I hang out with. I am done letting you control every aspect of my life.

Every morning when I get the strength to pull myself out of bed, I look into the mirror and I face you. I am not happy with the image that I see reflecting back at me. I am not happy with your strong winds and your brutal demeanor staring back at me, telling me that I am not good enough. Telling me that I am not strong enough and that I shouldn't leave my room. You make me feel terrible about myself for every decision that I have made, both past and present. Not only do I have to face you in the mirror, but I have to face you everyday out in the world as well. Whenever you creep up, which can be at any moment, you can instantly turn my happy smile into feelings of hopelessness and feelings of emptiness. It doesn't matter what I am doing, whether it be hanging out with friends or just watching tv, you can instantly make me feel completely empty inside. I hate how you can change my smile into emptiness, because I have to fight to put that smile back on my face simply so that no one can see the pain that I feel inside. The pain that you cause me.

I will not let you win. I will not let you control my life anymore. More and more I am winning the fight. I am having brighter days and happier moments. I will not let you stand over me whenever you feel like it anymore. You had taken over an entire year of my life in the blink of an eye. You had taken a year from me, a year in which I will never get back. You had taken one of the most important years of my life away, and there is nothing that I can do to get it back. You made me lose friends, lose relationships, and lose motivation that I had.

I will no longer let you hold me down. I have too much to lose in my life, and I have too much that I want to accomplish to let you stand over me any longer. I know that you will always be there, hovering over my life like a quiet animal tiger just waiting to attack. But I will be ready. I will be ready for the fight next time you appear in my life. I will overcome anything that you throw at me. I will no longer let you tell me what to do or how to feel.

This Is My Life