Dear Dementia,
I hate you with my whole heart. Every day I somehow hate you more and more with every breath I take. I have many reasons to hate you. She can't remember my name she has known my name since I was born when she first held me in that hospital room. Now she can not remember my name or even that I am her granddaughter. Our conversations that used to be so full of love have now turned into, "Hey Nanny do you know who I am? Do you know my name"? On my lucky days, she tells me she loves me and that I am her baby but she just can not remember who I am. When she does this I hate you even more because why did you pick her to hurt and suffer? Why do you pick anyone? Why do you have to hurt people?
My grandmother was my best friend in this world, in her eyes, I could do no wrong. She has the bluest eyes I never really noticed them much until these last few months because sometimes the only I love you I can get is from her eyes. We would make grocery store trips every week and let's not forget the tobacco store she loved those cigarettes. Every time I dropped her off she would say, " I love you you be good." she would also slip me 20 bucks without mom noticing she always made sure I had the money for the things I wanted but did not need. Nanny had three things she could absolutely not live without cigarettes, bingo, and her babies. Now she thinks she was never a smoker, she has no idea what we're talking about when we mention bingo, but some days she does remember her babies. When I say babies I mean her kids, nieces, nephews, grandkids, and great-grandkids.
It might sound crazy to some people when I say this but it also might help other people feel some relief that someone else in this great big world also feels this way. I am mourning someone who is still here. I miss her every day most days more than others. Somehow she is in all the things I do I go to college (she loved school so much she would be so proud that I am in college), I go to Walmart (she hated Walmart but went once a week), or even when I get in my car and drive because most days she was in the passenger seat gossiping with me.
She should be able to go to my wedding, be able to watch me in college, and be able to still post on Facebook even though she had no clue how to work it, she should be able to help me with my homework again, and she should be able to be woken up in the middle of the night with a call from me telling her we are going to taco bell. She should be able to look at me and remember that I am her grandchild, which is why she loves me so much. So yes dementia I have all the hatred in the world for you and I have every right to.
