Dear December,
Things aren't the way we pictured it, are they?
A lot of things fell through. A lot has changed. We aren't going to be the same anymore, are we December?
Every year we meet again, and talk about what's happened. Things we'd like to happen. But as November says hello, I've begun to worry. November came a lot sooner than last year. The months have flown by so fast. Days and weeks blur together, and I find myself struggling to remember January. What did January look like again?
We remember May though, don't we? And June too? The constant fear that we might not make it to school again for the fall. The fear that we'd failed everyone, especially ourselves. The letter, and the waiting. We were so scared that we might not make it. But we did, didn't we December? The University let us back. We got another chance.
When July came, we felt like kings. We ruled over the small new land bestowed to us with a blank slate and hopeful eyes. We were ready to be successful. We were sure we would be. Even August wasn't so bad, for once. August was gentle, subtle. August took its time.
But September was different. September was rough, and jarring. September shook me. Things became so hard to handle so fast...I couldn't keep up. September ran without me, and it ran over me. School became so hard. Work became unbearable. But help didn't come for a long time.
October was in no rush. It was slow. It was dull. There were some days, that the clouds parted and let the sun in. But those days were so short. So jumpy. The smallest crack of a twig scared the sun away. This is when my left and right brain began to argue. They spat at each other. They fought. I couldn't get them to stop, no matter how hard I tried to pull them away from one another. Instead, I tore myself into smaller and smaller pieces until I wasn't stable anymore.
It was scary, wasn't it October? We were so angry. So scared and isolated. Despairing. And then suddenly, we felt nothing. It had been hidden away below the surface for so long, that we cracked. Didn't we? That day on the bathroom floor, sobbing, begging the motion activated lights not to take the light away--we weren't gone. Not yet. We were just tired. So, so tired. But someone found us, didn't they? They opened the door, and helped us through it. When more doors appeared, they helped with the locks.
They got us to November. Didn't they?
But I'm still scared. November made it, but at what cost? So much still has to be done, and time is running out. The clock is ticking, December, and I'm not ready. I don't want to see you yet. I'm not ready to see what you have for me. So much has been taken from me and I know you're going to take something again.
I know I can't run from you forever, December. You're coming whether I want you to or not. But, take your time? I need time to get back on my feet. I need time to plan, to prepare. Things have changed since you've been gone, and I'm still trying to get used to it. You may not like some of the things I have to tell you. Things that will effect you. You may get angry with me.
But I'm willing to try, December. I'm willing to lay bare my mistakes, my scars, my fears, for you. November will help me get things ready. You just have to wait. We have no idea what you have coming, so please, give us time.
A lot of things fell through. A lot has changed. We aren't going to be the same anymore, are we December?
Soon to be Yours,
Myself.
