Dear Dad, Why wasn't I good enough?
Why wasn't I good enough for you? I sit back and think about the times where I felt like I needed you, and you were never there. When I was 4 and asking why dad wasn't around, I knew then that I would have to grow up without you.

I used to think that over time things would change. You would have a change of heart and some perfect epiphany that you wanted us to be in your life. We needed you. Where were you? Where were you when we were having daddy daughter dances? Birthdays, holidays, performances. When we were having great accomplishments in life? When we were begging for the male attention that you never gave us? When we were using men to try to replace that feeling that was never there. Putting our mom through hell and back. Where were you?

When I had my first child and I was so excited for you to come to the hospital to meet him, but I knew I couldn't show it to anyone, because I didn't want them to think I was hurt when you didn't show. Let's be honest, after 19 years, they expected me to be over it. So I didn't show the hurt. I played it off and raised my kid. You never met him till he was 2.

I miss you. I love you. I still love you. I just wish that you felt the same.

At the end of the day, I could say much more about how I feel, but I won't because I have done so well without you. I have a wonderful mother who was there. She was there through EVERYTHING. She was my rock, she was the only one willing to care about us and love us enough that we hardly ever felt like we were missing out. And when we did, she would hold us and let us know we are good enough.

There's nothing wrong with us. That it's just you. She never kept you from us. She saw what it did to us. She was there. She worked her ass off to make sure we never went without.

I graduated, I got married, I had a beautiful family. All without you. And I will make damn sure that the father of my kids is always there no matter what.

I met a man who took over. Who knows what I need and knows what I'm going through. He knows how to make me smile, how to be the best man I could ask for. He is a wonderful father who would never leave his kids.

After 22 years, I still have days where I wonder what went wrong wrong in life that you felt the need to keep us out, but at the end of it, I sit back and realize that it is who you are. You will never come around.

I know you love us. I do. I know you feel that I'm angry at you, but I'm not. I stopped being angry a long time ago. I became a brick wall where you're concerned. There are still cracks and crevices in that brick wall that will let the hurt in sometimes, but I try to patch it up and go on.

I don't know if I'll ever be in your life fully. I don't know if you'll ever want more of me and my sister. I will not deny you. After all these years, I can't. You're my dad. I will welcome anything you give me, even if it comes with sadness and pain. It's all because I love you and I know that deep down I still want a father and a grandfather for my kids. I'll be okay though, if it doesn't happen.

I'll be fine if at the end of the day, you decide to stay away after seeing this. If you decide that you can't bare the thought that I feel this way, that's okay. I have my mom, my sister, my husband, and my kids. They are always there when I need them.

As I've sat here and bared my soul, something I've needed to do for a long time, I hope this gets to you. I hope you see this and decide that I'm good enough, that you want to be here and that we were not a mistake to you.

Embarrassment is not what I intended here. Shame is not to be felt. These are feelings, thoughts, love and hurt, written down from the walls of my heart.

I pray that you are happy and living peacefully with your new fiancé. I love that she can make you happy and that you're so close to retirement so that you can settle down as well and be happy with her.

I love you dad, but why am I not good enough?