There's this thing that happens when you recover from an eating disorder. It sticks with you, and it tries to make you go back to that place. The place you once were, the place you never want to go back to. You can never quite get rid of it; it's hard to ignore. It's the caloric calculator.
The caloric calculator makes sure you know exactly how many calories are in a certain thing (35 calories in a glass of milk). It makes sure that whenever you pick up even the slightest bit of food, you think "Oh no, I shouldn't eat that." It makes sure that you know to look over the nutrition label first. The caloric calculator will make you sit some nights and cry and cry because you hate your body now. It will make you think you were better when you were listening to it's devilish ways. It will tell you not to tell anyone about it. Don't listen.
I am there too. The caloric calculator in my mind never goes away, and never will. I have to stop myself from reminding myself of how many calories are in an apple, or a Hershey kiss. I have nights were I cry and tell myself how much I hate me. Sometimes the thoughts come back and I think maybe I was better when I was listening to them. It's okay to have down nights sometimes, but you and I both; cannot keep going through this.
Do not listen to this satanic voice inside your head. You are better now, you are recovering. You are a strong soldier who came home from battle; victorious. Food is not the enemy, your eating disorder is. No matter how many times the caloric calculator comes out to play, you have to tell it that you are not one to be messed with. You've told it so many times to go away, you have to keep going. No matter how much weight you gain or lose, no matter how much you're overthinking, no matter how many times you let the thoughts win; you are beautiful. You are not beautiful in the cliche' way of "Oh everyone is beautiful!!!". You are beautiful because you are a warrior. You're strong and that is beautiful. Your body is just a vessel for your soul, and the fact that you are here now shows how beautiful your soul is. That is what matters.
So eat. Do it for your soul, the real you. You need it. You do not need your eating disorder. I understand slipping up sometimes; I do it too. Just keep going. After you slip up, recognize your mistake and keep going. Tell yourself that it is okay, but food is your friend. It will not harm you, but the caloric calculator in your mind will. Tell yourself that you are beautiful in so many ways, and loved in more. Tell yourself that because it is the truth. You got this. You're not alone. We're getting through this together.
The caloric calculator can go screw itself.
With love,
A Survior
