Dear boy that I tried to fix,
"Guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.” ― Lauren Oliver, Delirium
As I go on and write this, I want you to know that I forgive you and I have moved past that bad place in my life. I’ll never know why I wasn’t good enough I mean I gave you everything and you never seemed to notice. When you called I came, when you would text me I would respond within seconds but when it was vice versa you would text me back days later making me feel bad and unwanted. I can't count all the times I’ve cried because I felt I wasn’t good enough, and I've tried to hate you with everything in my being, but of course, I could not. You had something different about you from the first time we met and it was dark... it was pain and depression. I could see the pain you suffered and I could tell you needed someone. I tried to be that someone, but I just was not who you wanted. I could tell you wished I was her even when you said you were completely over her. You never really got over that pain, did you? You just wanted me to suppress it, didn’t you?
As I look back almost a year later, I can say I don’t and will never regret doing what I did. I was selfless for the first time in my life and even when nobody could understand, and not even I could understand, what I was doing for that matter and why I would put myself on the line for someone who showed plenty of times they didn’t care. I now know why I did I wanted to fix you. I wanted to mend that brokenness that I felt when I would look into your eyes. I wanted to see you smile again. I wanted you to stop using the drugs to take away that pain you felt so deep in your soul. I wanted you to be that perfect guy that you have always been to be on the inside as well, but that didn’t happen that way after almost 11 months (yes, I counted). It was fling that just faded away as they usually do in these cases. Girl falls for the potential guy just in it for the fun of it. The anger I felt was impeccable and indescribable but I know that I did these things for the right reason.
So guy that I wanted to fix so badly, how does it feel to knowing how I felt all those months? Does it make you feel bad? Do you think I’m full of it and I’m out of line? Or do you not care enough to even read past the first paragraph or sentence? To be completely honest, I don’t care how it makes you feel because now it’s time to fix all the things you unknowing broke about me, and I would like to thank you because I can fully appreciate the man I have today. He is the complete opposite of you!
