Dear ex-best friend,

Pay attention when I say that I don't hate you. I've tried. It's physically impossible.

And even if I did, that still shows how much I care. I've loved you too much that I will never be able to look at you and feel nothing. Like strangers, I look at them and feel nothing inside. But I look at you and feel empty, which is different from nothing.

First of all, I'm sorry. I’m sorry that you lost me.

I’m sorry I deleted our social media posts together. I'm sorry you still have all these secrets of mine that I know you are too nice to tell anyone, but don't want anymore. I'm sorry that we are in the same group of friends so you can't hate me even if you wanted to. I'm sorry that we didn't keep in touch long enough to live out the future that we had planned together.

But also, thank you.

Thank you for keeping all those secrets. Thank you for trusting me with yours. Thank you for the late night phone calls. Thank you for dancing with me around the kitchen. Thank you for not deleting all the photos of me and you. Thank you for making sure I always got home safely. Thank you for taking extra steps to make sure I always felt safe. Thank you for squeezing my hand when you knew I was uncomfortable, but didn't want to embarrass me.

Thank you for sleeping on the floor so I could have the couch. Thank you for always letting me pick the Ben and Jerry's flavor. Thank you for picking me first. Thank you for another family to go to when mine was in a rough spot. Thank you for believing in me more than I ever could. Thank you for knowing my fears and helping me get through them. Thank you for being my “plus one” to every event. Thank you for always zipping my dresses. Thank you for making me try new things.

Thank you for the long talks sitting in my driveway. Thank you for remembering all my favorite things. Thank you for cheering the loudest out of the whole audience, even though I already knew where you were. And thank you for having "where you were" always be front and center. And present.

I can't express how much you mean to me.

I don't regret being your best friend. You were there for a time in my life where I needed you. You were my audience, my coach, my guidance, my light, and the one I loved the most at that time in my life. I want to know about your future and I want it to be as successful as you always wanted. I'm happy about all of your accomplishments. I still like seeing your happiness. I still want you to be healthy and thrive. And most importantly, I want you to find someone who loves you as much as I did. And I want you guys to last forever.

Whether it's in a spouse or just another best friend. You deserve happiness, love, and success. And I love you.