Dear Baby Pine Tree,
Christmas is a scam. Especially for you, baby pine tree. For humans it is a scam because it is thought of as this magical time of year when miracles happen and everything is fixed. No one can be mad when the snow is falling, instead we all realize that we love each other and everyone else in the world. These are all lies that Hallmark is selling us with their movies, ornaments and greeting cards. Dad is not coming back just because it is Christmas and the man of your dreams is not suddenly falling in love with you because he has now noticed the hint of green in your eyes as he looks at them in between his glances at the snow falling and the flakes that have landed in your hair.
Baby pine tree, you are raised just to die slowly. You are grown in lines among many other trees, and when old enough cut and put in front of some window assuming you turned into a pretty tree. After being cut, transported on top of a car, and placed in front of the window you are then given water just enough to keep you alive for a couple of days, a week at most, but not enough to keep you alive for too long. It is as if you are slowly suffocating because you do not have all the nutrients you need. They will string lights, hang ornaments and other festive objects on you to make you look pretty. In my house hold at some point you will also be holding a real cat or two. For the first couple of days your beauty will be talked about in great lengths maybe even a song or two sung about you but this never last very long. Soon all they will talk about is how much of a hassle you are. How they have to keep watering you, how the whole house now smells, and the pine needles are falling like crazy and no matter what they do they just keep falling. They are some close times when you almost get knocked over like someone bumping into you and spill water and all they do is complain about again all the hassel you are and swear that next year they are going with a plastic tree because it will be so much easier. Soon Christmas day has come and if the all presents have stayed under you than you have not done that bad of a job. Although after a couple of days your purpose is over. All the decorations are taken off and you are checked a couple of times to make sure none get left behind because the ordinates are special and you are now trash. You are now taken out of the house and thrown out to the curb or placed in a garbage bag leaning against the trash can to be picked up. If you are lucky you go out like a Viking in a fire. This is best case scenario because the family will stand outside admiring you one last time although this time it is because of the flames that are devouring you but still admiring you.
This is why we should all be celebrating Festivus. Festivus for the rest of us! Festivus is the alternative holiday to the nasty pressure and commercialism to Christmas celebrated on December 23rd. There are not magical miracles but instead Festivus miracles which are realistic miracles because they are a one sided miracle so only one person benefits from the miracle. There is not killing of innocent trees but instead all the decorations are an aluminum pole because tinsel is very distracting. There are not presents but instead the Airing of the Grievances so you know how to better yourself. The oldest member of the family starts and tells everyone at the Festivus dinner how they have been disappointed each other. Before Festivus dinner there is the Feats of Strength which is where the head of the household, usually the oldest member, challenges an opponent to a wrestling match, usually the youngest member, and is not concluded the head of the household has been pinned down.
