I'm no stranger to struggling. While my struggle isn't the same as everyone else, that doesn't make it any less of a situation. Ever since I came to NC State, the people around me have been slowly learning about my life and everything I've been through. This is my third year here and I've met new people each year, whether they were my age or grown ups, like real grown ups.
So far, most of the people around me have learned:
- I'm homeless. My family probably hate the fact that I say it, but what else am I going to call it?
- I'm struggle with mental health. There's nothing diagnosed, it's just more so that my ability to deal with whatever is dancing in my head isn't always healthy.
- My emotions are a mess. They have their own range and come whenever they please. I can't stop them. I can try, but then that leads me to several paths. Not all of them are the ones I need to go down.
- Both of my parents died before I graduated high school.
They all say I'm strong and that I've overcome so much. Even as I'm writing this, I feel guilty. Sometimes it bothers me that everyone thinks I'm strong. I don't feel it. Some of them say they're proud of me as well. Thanks, I think. It's just an ever turning wheel that doesn't seem to stop.
More so in high school is when I had a bit more responsibility. My mom had passed and then I had to help my dad out more. He had dialysis Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, on a weekly basis. Sometimes he would have to go on Tuesday and/or Thursday depending on the amount of fluid he had on him or if the building was closed on his usual day.
So on his usual days, I would have to wake up around 4 or 5 in the morning to help him get ready. There would be days I would have to cook him breakfast to take with him, fix him bottles of ice and half frozen water bottles (so it can last him from 6 to 1), and then make sure his bag is completely packed. I might have to help him get his pants on straight and get his shoes on and tied. Then once he was ready, I'd have to get myself ready for school. So whenever I told people about that, they'd be in shock and just questioned how I did it. I don't really have an answer. I just did it.
Which is why whenever I tell people about my current situation, I tell them that I'm getting through it and I'm dealing with it. It's just that I know there are other people out there who are worse off than I am and I feel like I'm just being dramatic. I still have food, clothing, and even a place to stay. I have a job and yet, I'm still without permanent housing and I think people forget that there are levels to it. They just assume the worse which is the probably the cause of my unnecessary guilt, but I'm attempting to get rid of it. It's not easy, not in the slightest but I'm trying and I feel like those around me wants that. They just want me to try.