I have this huge problem with my self-esteem. On any given day a coworker, acquaintance, or friend can be around me looking sad or unhappy, maybe a bit mad—and I will instantly think its my fault. I’ve got one big problem, and it's called insecurity. Over the years I’ve on and off convinced myself that I’m not well liked, that very few people like me. I’ve had people in the past tell me I'm super funny, but my reaction is always amazement. Really? People like me? They like my thoughts? Can it be true?

I get like this.

I was homeschooled when I was younger. If that doesn’t explain it all right away, let me tell you. When I was a kid I knew very few people, and my social interaction was sub-par at best. A lot of people over the years have told me that my social interaction “makes sense,” after I tell them I was homeschooled. Why? Because homeschooled kids are generally kind of awkward, and for me, especially so in large groups of people. I never had to interact with groups, or kids I didn’t know very well. Suffice it to say, when it comes to people, I feel utterly clueless. I’m really good with big gestures and signs. So if someone starts talking to me, smiles at me, if they invite me places—I know they like me. When people act the opposite, and they don’t invite me around, I just think I’m a loser and nobody likes me.

It's two things, really. Overall, I’ve just had a really hard time understanding people, and that confusion leads to the often well-placed but mostly imaginative fear that they won’t like me. Again, I'm good with honesty and openness, but when it comes to ascertaining the little details, they escape me. For instance, if I really like a person and want to hang out with them, I make it this huge big deal in my head. Well, what if they say no? What if they say yes, but their body language clearly says no? I become paralyzed while considering to ask people to hang out, because I'm largely afraid that they don't like me. Over the years, I've had problems not reading people well. Once I went off rambling my thoughts to another person that I later found out had offended them. That’s happened a few times in my life, enough to make me wonder how to translate my thoughts and feelings better. I really don’t mean to offend people. I care a lot about people, but that’s not something I know how to communicate through actions, body language, and words. But maybe that was just one scenario, out of the million I've had.

I’ve gone back and forth between wondering if maybe I’m just really bad about showing people that I like them—and they subsequently are insecure about hanging out with me, or if people really do in fact dislike me. I’ve been in a lot of group situations where people have gotten frustrated with me, didn’t like me around, made fun of me, etc. I never felt like I fit in in those groups, or in any type of group. (I’ve been in a lot of activities throughout my school career, and people never seemed to love me all the way through.) With these scenarios, I always retreat and think that its overall my fault, and I’m a social piranha. Welp, nobody likes me, yet again.

Although, I'm probably not as bad as this guy.

At the same time, I'm learning that people want to feel liked too. If I don't extend my olive branch to show them them I like them...they have no reason to do the same to me. Its on this basis that I am trying to live my life, social anxiety and insecure free. I don’t have a bevy of friends, but I have six or so close friends who I know love me completely. I’m trying to come out of the hiding place of my turtle shell, and reach out to people who I think are awesome, and I want to hang out with more. Maybe one day I’ll be able to meet someone new without wondering if they secretly don’t like me.