If ever there were worse statements to say to a girl in the face of insecurity it is: "Stop you'll be fine" or "Stop it you're beautiful." I would love to hear it. If there are four words I would like to hear the least it is those. Not because the person saying them is disingenuous or brushing me off, but that it takes the pressure off of me to really reflect and look at myself.

Even though I am 25 years old with a bright future in healthcare and security to last me into my golden years, I struggle constantly with insecurities and doubts that sometimes make no sense to the people around or even the bystander that walks past me.

I am afraid of abandonment. In my short life, there were many people who have come and gone. Friends and family that were in my life ten years ago do not exist in my world sphere now and it constantly makes me aggravated that I need to self-examine if I did anything wrong. I love my parents, my sister, and my current friends but sometimes I wonder how good would it be until it is not there anymore.

So-called friends, in particular, have been cruel at the end of our friendship and it sends me into a tailspin of self-doubt and anger until it becomes numb enough for me to function again. Maybe it is a band-aid I used to cover it up or that I have grown since then but if I think a little too hard about it, it can prick just enough to bring up sadness.

My external beauty is something that did not start off this way. I was awkward growing and did not fit in easily with my peers. My outward appearance consisted of wild, unruly hair and buck teeth until cosmetics and the entire CVS aisle-worth of hair care products did wonders.

I grew from the ugly duckling to this beautiful swan, however, I struggle with owning it. I do not take compliments well because it makes me feel exposed in the eyes of others and that they know things about me that even I don't know myself. But still, I've become light years better at walking in the limelight that I have created so only time, I guess, would tell if it'll be the thing

I'm utterly loyal to the point of blindness. People who know me well will say that my best quality is my loyalty but I see it sometimes as a crippling weakness because I do not tend to see the darkness in people and love to see the bright side of people. I learned slowly that not all people necessarily take advantage of that but too many scars tell me that blind loyalty can lead to bigger heartbreaks later on.

I'm awful when it comes to being intimate. Emotional connectedness is something that comes naturally to me as I feel that once you get to know me you learn everything about me. But the deeper things and the more private things are information that only people I deem worthy will be privy to. Sometimes that kind of decision does not work out and sometimes it really does but I always think that intimacy is something that I am not ready for and a little bit afraid of.

I'm afraid of going to bed hungry. It is rather a weird fear to have given that my mother feeds me plenty when I go home and I feed myself when I am away but the hollowness of starvation brings out desperation in me from a deep place within. I feel that I am not aware of what I say to people or how I deliver things especially if I do not eat to my satisfaction.

I'm on the thinner side of the spectrum and most people are pleasantly surprised if I finish a full meal (I always end up with leftovers when we eat out) on my own. But somehow the thought of ever potentially being desperate for food brings out a little fear in me.

The pieces that compose of me are not just my pretty smile, my sunny disposition, or my easygoing nature. It is all the raw, under-developed, skeletons-in-the-closet emotions that make me whole. I'm a work in progress and still have trouble with myself. But I highly doubt that every person is only comprised of good qualities. Being human and having a real moment with yourself makes you better and whole.

I have my bad days but they are always coupled with good ones but ignoring the ugliness behind the beauty queen means you are never being genuine to yourself. I always know that one of my best qualities is being absolutely real with myself and I'm okay with that. I think it takes a real beauty queen to accept those things about herself.