I never used to consider myself a perfectionist. I always thought I was the easy-going one, who could go with the flow better than anyone else. But as I grew up and began to better understand myself, I realized that I do expect my life to be a certain way, sometimes so much that it causes me anxiety when things are anything but perfect in my eyes. Over the past two years, this hasn't been easy. I have denied that I strive for perfection in hopes of maintaining my laid-back personality. However, you can only deny yourself for so long until it starts to catch up.
After a tough second semester of my freshman year of college, I decided that I needed to figure out what was going on in my head. I used to be able to push on through anything, yet the smallest mishaps were throwing me into panic attacks. I was in denial about feeling any sort of anxiety, which made me anxious about being anxious, which is a vicious cycle. I wasn't supposed to be the anxious one—after all, how could someone with anxiety be a therapist and help others with similar problems? I questioned the future that I had always seen myself living.
I grew up in a very structured household. I knew what was expected of me and what would be the result if I failed to reach these expectations. I was always busy with sports and school, working hard so I could get away from the structure. I couldn't wait to be on my own, making my own schedule and my own decisions. However, what I didn't realize was that my life had been dictated for so long that when I finally was able to be on my own, I had no idea how to do it.
I could do laundry and get my homework done on my own. It wasn't an issue of missing home. It was an issue of having the mental space to be anxious. Before, I had no time to be anxious. I was busy helping others in my life with their anxiety to the point that my own was ignored. Once I was away, everything that had been pushed away for so long came to the surface quite chaotically.
Recognizing it is the first step. I still get angry at myself for feeling anything less than awesome because it's not how it's "supposed to be." This idea of how things are supposed to be is something I have to work on letting go of every day. I knew how things were supposed to be within the bubble of my home, but the real world isn't so structured. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that lack of structure is not a bad thing; it leaves room for growth. Rather than feeling anxious when things don't go or feel exactly how I think they are supposed to, I try to accept these so-called imperfections.
I'm still struggling with it, but knowing why I feel anxious is a baby step. Every day is an opportunity for me to be thrown for a loop and deal with it in a healthy way. Every day is an opportunity for me to love and accept myself despite my flaws. I am working on knowing that things are never supposed to be a certain way, and that life is going to keep moving on no matter how badly I need it to slow down. It's not easy, realizing you aren't the type of person you necessarily thought you were for 20 years. However, as my favorite quote says, "It will all be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end."
