Smith College is always beautiful; a beautiful academic bubble, at least for me. We all spend so much time on our work that it’s easy to forget to see the people around us as people, as humans. You can sit beside someone three days a week, for months, and know nothing about them. Why? Maybe I didn’t ask. Or, maybe I did, but I wasn’t really listening. With so many new people around us all the time, it’s hard to find the time to do either.
I never have enough time, or that’s how it feels. Last semester when finals crashed into me, a merciless freight train, I didn’t have time to worry about other people. I was on a mission, a woman consumed. A message jerked me out of lists of names and dates, out of my bubble.
A girl had died. I knew her.
I sat for an hour that felt like an age, staring at nothing. Doing nothing. I knew her, we got along well, spent a semester swapping notes and studying together. Now she was gone. Questions, like relentless flies, swarmed inside me right where my stomach had been. We hadn’t been best friends. I had never asked about her personal life. I didn’t really know anything about her, but I couldn’t shake the icy feeling.
It’s hard to know what to feel when faced with death. I haven’t taken a class that has given me the words to deal with it yet. I didn’t learn about it during orientation. Nobody is there to walk you through how to feel, what to do, or what to say. I can’t begin to imagine how those closest to her felt when all I could do was nothing.
Finals, however, stopped for no one. The books felt different as I turned back to them. All I wanted to write was “I knew her, and now she is gone”, no period, that would make it too final. People studied around me like nothing had changed. I wondered how many of them really knew each other. How many students are struggling right now, secretly and silently? How do we find time to care for ourselves let alone others amidst readings, exams, papers, projects, and presentations?
This is not an admonishment or an accusation. I am not judging or blaming. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make sure the people around them are safe and healthy. This is me, remembering that everyone is human. When something bursts the college bubble, it is okay to not know how to feel. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not blame yourself. It’s okay to self-care. It is okay thing to sit in the library not knowing how to feel. I will think about this as we head into a new semester, about the people around me. Maybe I will ask questions and listen more than I talk. I hope I spend more time on the people around me. I hope I stop if I see someone struggling and do more than tell them “It’ll be fine”. I hope that I don’t let college consume me, although I’ve calculated the probability and I don’t fancy the odds.
Here is the website for counselling services at Smith College.
Call 1-800-273-TALK (or a local hospital) if you feel unsafe.
