"You are so strong". "You look fine". Silent torture taking over, walking around broken, and yet still moving on. I could hear my internal screams though, ricocheting against my skull, these ear splitting screams only I could hear, deafening me. I wake up everyday with a weight on my chest, a sinking feeling in my heart, and the need to be better but with every night it ends the same, with this distant feeling that I wish would just go away. All these regrets swirling around, trying to keep my head up but I usually drown. Dead eyed girl that is I, I have died so many times.
Held down, shaking, whimpering, I used to fight but that energy left me. I would turn my mind off. Lay there with dead eyes, staring up at the ceiling, counting the seconds, the minutes, waiting for him to be finished. My body didn't feel like my body. I thought about what my mother said, that your body is a temple, well my temple had walls coming down, stains on the floor, and the ceiling was starting to cave in. My temple, my body, was hurt badly. I would cry in the shower, scrubbing at myself wishing I could reach within myself and scrub my soul. Why didn't I fight, why didn't I use my voice? I felt shut out, used up, I was worn down, this darkness and weight was heavy. Every happy moment, every giggle, bright eyed moment tarnished. All I could focus on was the bad, the pain, and the way I was handling everything.
Looking in the mirror at my reflection all I saw was dead eyes. I was so hopeful, middle school was going to be a new year for me. I dealt with harassment, groping, child was a child no more. High school, thought I found the love of my life, he got angry when I didn't want to have sex, I learned to have it all the time, he was less angry that way. Trembling legs, fast beating heart, throat closing up, tears spilling from my eyes, my temple was crumbling. Going to school, coming home in bruises, Groping touching, slapping my behind, laugh it off just laugh it off. I laughed a lot, instead of saying something, I laughed and walked away. Not a cheerful laugh, but a hesitant detached laugh. Freshman year of college, new people, new start in life. Dressed up for a dance, walking with my friend, parking lot is dark, someone walks out from behind a car. Throws my friend, grabs me by the hair, telling me to come to his room so he can show me his jersey.
Dead eyed girl you will survive.
