It's no mystery that dating can be an arduous, awkward process. Dating as a transgender person just makes it feel even more dreadful. I have had pretty awful experiences with cisgender men - particularly gay cisgender men. So, I generally kept my dating circle limited to women or other transfolk.
Then, I met my current date mate (partner, boyfriend, significant other, whatever), Jona. We started talking through a dating app right after I had one of those aforementioned horrible experiences. At this time, I was stealth and only a handful of people knew I'm trans. I decided to wait a few weeks before telling him to prevent any additional anxiety and stress. Long story short, we just celebrated our 3 year anniversary this past February!
Since I always get asked what it's like being in a relationship with a gay cisgender man, I thought it would be interesting to ask what it is like dating a transgender person from his perspective.
Thank you, Jona, for being kind enough to oblige!
What was your initial reaction when I told you I'm trans?
"I feel like my first reaction was like...Okay! I didn't really care, but I was curious because you were the first trans person I had met. I did have - not like a fear or doubt - but the thought of how is this going to go? I was glad you told me when you did, but it wouldn't have been a deal breaker if you waited longer. At first, I felt like I had to be careful with choosing my words. I didn't want you to think that it bothered me, or have an awkward elephant in the room. I wanted to try to find a way to reassure you that I honestly didn't care, and it wasn't going to be one of those lines like 'yeah it's fine,' when it wasn't. I still wanted to meet you and get to know you better."
Since you've never dated a trans person before, did you have any concerns?
"I guess my only concern at first was the physical stuff; am I going to like it? Am I not going to like it? We were talking for a couple of weeks before you told me anyway, so I knew I liked you a lot regardless."
What would be one piece of advice for other gay cismen that are in a similar situation and have concerns about intimacy?
"Evaluate your priorities in a relationship. If sex and physical attributes are very important to you then it might be an obstacle. There are obviously other ways to go about things, like strap-ons, dildos, etc. If you're more concerned about someone's intelligence, personality, or ambition then does it really matter?
Keep an open mind because you'll never know what you might miss out on." (awww)
Do you miss being with cisgender men?
"Personally, the fact that you're trans doesn't cross my mind until, well, we're in the bedroom. There are fleeting moments, but every relationship has those. Just like if a straight man were to think about being with another woman. Do I think that those moments would even remotely prevent us from being together in the future? Not even a little." (awwwww!)
Do you think dating me has altered your own view of your sexuality?
"Not really. I knew I was always more of a question mark/mystery than 100% gay. I think it confused everybody else more than it confused me!"
What is the greatest thing I taught you?
"That trans people are just regular, normal people. A lot of people have a negative view and think they're weird or really 'freakish.' People are shut out to the idea of learning about the transgender community because it's different. When I get asked the question 'how does it work?', my response is always: 'What do you mean? We do what most couples do: go on dates, see a movie, whatever.' You can do literally anything when you have two cis people dating each other, so there's really no difference at all."
