The “DSM-5” defines social anxiety as a marked or intense, fear or anxiety of social situations in which the individual may be scrutinized by others. As thorough as that definition sounds, people suffering from social anxiety often have a hard time explaining to others what exactly they’re dealing with. It’s not just being shy. It’s the fear of saying something wrong and having others judge you for it. It’s hearing a group of people laugh and just automatically assuming they’re laughing at you. It’s putting off calling to make a hair appointment for five hours because you’re afraid of talking to someone you don’t know on the phone. It’s the fear of not fitting in, no matter how hard you try. Trying to navigate through life with social anxiety feels like a constant internal battle, but trying to date while having social anxiety feels like you’re battling not only yourself, but your significant other as well. It feels almost impossible to try and make someone understand the fear you feel when you can’t even put it into words yourself. But I’m going to try and give it a go in hopes that it will help others understand, even a little.

As cliche as it sounds: it's not you, it's me.

I’m not embarrassed to go out in public with you, I do want to meet your family, I do want to hang out with your friends. You’re not the reason I’m so apprehensive about these things. I’m afraid your mom won’t like me, or your sister, or your best friend. I’m afraid I’m going to embarrass myself; or worse, embarrass you. It’s my fear keeping me from going out, it has nothing to do with you and I can’t stress that enough.

I can't just "get over it."

I didn’t choose to have social anxiety, so I can’t just choose to stop feeling anxious about social situations. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make myself not feel so afraid to meet new people or go someplace new, but that isn’t realistic. Would you tell someone who has the flu to just “get over it?” No, so please don’t expect me to just “get over it.” If I could I would in a heartbeat.

It'll get better with time.

One of the most hurtful things to hear is: “how are we ever supposed to do anything together.” Saying this doesn’t do anything but make me feel even more guilty for something that I can’t control. I want to go out with you instead of staying home all day, but being home with you, who I’m comfortable with, makes me feel safe. It’s not easy to try and venture out of my comfort zone, and when I do it takes a lot of time before I feel like I can do it again. As we gradually start to go out more, the time before I feel like I can go out again with continue to shrink. It’s a process, and not a quick one.

I'm not just "overreacting."

"Stop overreacting, it isn’t that big of a deal.” To people with social anxiety, going out is a very big deal. To someone who doesn’t deal with social anxiety, I see how it does seem like I’m just overreacting. But I can assure you that I’m not. I know the fear I feel is not rational and isn’t even based on facts, but knowing that still doesn’t stop the way I’m feeling. Please don’t try and invalidate my feelings because you don’t understand them.

Listening is important.

Instead of getting angry, listen to how I feel. I know my fears seem irrational because they are, but it doesn’t make the fear any less real to me. It’s hard to put into words what it feels like, but if you’re willing to listen and try to understand how I feel I’m willing to try my best to explain what I’m feeling. Listening makes me feel like you actually care about how I’m feeling, just getting angry makes me feel like my feelings aren’t valid or important. Listening makes me feel like you care.

Please be patient.

I’m not going to be able to change overnight. Like any other mental illness, it won’t go away in a day. I know it’s extremely frustrating, but please be patient with me. Things will get better, but it’s not going to be a quick and drastic change. It’ll never be perfect, but each time we go somewhere it makes me feel more and more comfortable. Your patience is appreciated more than you know.

I know it isn’t easy dating someone with social anxiety, and I know it just sounds like I’m making a bunch of excuses for why I can’t do this. Know that I do try every day to overcome it and slowly venture further and further from my comfort zone. I wish I could just make it go away, but it isn’t that simple. It’s frustrating and difficult, but your effort is noticed and greatly appreciated. Dealing with social anxiety is a painful way to go through life, but dealing with it with someone who is supportive and actually tries to understand makes all the difference.