If there's one question I asked myself when I finally got around to watching "Fifty Shades of Grey," it was this: What would I have done in her situation? As I watched, I was perpetually impressed by the openness and willingness of Anastasia Steele's character to consider Christian Grey's fetishes and explore them. And I continued to question whether the average person could have been as receptive to his kinks.
The mainstream has a tendency to outcast anything that strays from heteronormativity and the prescribed ways of social and sexual interaction. We even go as far as to label social (racial, gender, sexual, etc.) minorities as psychologically damaged or in need of saving from themselves. Those of us who are progressive and open-minded are capable of living our lives in understanding that there are other ways to live... I guess we'll just have to wait for the rest to catch up. But engaging in a relationship with someone who lives so differently than you do can be a hard task. How could you handle such a big difference in sexual preferences in your relationship? How could you date Mr. (or Ms.) Grey?
The first thing is to be totally open-minded and accepting of your partner and all his/her kinks. Don't blame them on a rough childhood or think they stem from some abuse in their past. Studies have shown that BDSM practitioners are not only as psychologically healthy as their "vanilla" counterparts, but in fact tend to be more psychologically healthy—imagine that! The suspicion is that their understanding and exploration of their sexual preferences lends them a mental strength that vanilla people don't necessarily get a chance to develop. In addition, the intense, trusting relationships that typically characterize the BDSM community and the freedom to express those deep desires has a liberating effect that stabilizes their psyches. So be sure to truly consider your partner an equal, not someone you have to "save" from their past. Most BDSM practitioners have never even been abused! Sexual preferences tend to be more inherent than acquired anyway.
The next thing is to talk about it. Be open, really try to understand their preferences, and tell them yours. Talk about what you're willing to try and what you're not, and most importantly, be honest. BDSM is such a broad umbrella that any individual practitioner may have very different preferences than the next. Make sure you understand what you are getting into before you start, and don't judge your partner's kinks. Also try not to impose your perception of BDSM onto your partner. From what I've read, members of the BDSM community detest "Fifty Shades of Grey" because of its inaccurate portrayal of what a healthy BDSM relationship typically is. If a cup is halfway full, you can only fill it up halfway more; empty your cup of what you think you already know about BDSM, and let your partner educate you on their particular lifestyle.
Finally, try it! If you're serious about this person and you want to make it work, realize that sex is typically an important part of any relationship, so long as the couple is sexually active. Your willingness to try what your partner likes will show that you truly care for him/her and want them to be satisfied in your relationship. And you might be surprised at the experience when you finally try. BDSM is not always extreme, does not always involve pain, and can be a very enjoyable break from monotony of your day-to-day. If you find that you don't like it, just be honest with your partner, and start the conversation about the next step. There are some BDSM practitioners who feel that BDSM-ers and vanillas should avoid relationships with each other altogether, while some married vanillas even give their BDSM partners permission to have a BDSM partner in order to satisfy their sexual needs. In any case, you shouldn't knock it until you've tried it, and even then, you shouldn't judge it. After all, Mr. Grey needs love too!
