Dating as a millennial… HA, where to begin? The common questions I hear from my generation, myself included and especially from people in the last few years are, "Why won't someone love me?" or "Where do I find someone who will be afraid to lose me?" And even, "Why are girls crazy/Why do guys not know how to treat girls?"
Well there are many reasons that answer these questions and concerns. People in my generation have embraced the "stereotypes" of being a millennial without even realizing it and everyone just expects so much from a partner or another individual without putting forth any effort from their own end. How is that fair?
The millennial generation is full of individuals who expect to be treated like royalty, but don't want to treat their partner with the utmost respect. Or individuals want to be "respected" and have their partner not ask or comment about their past sex life… Well people sorry to break the news but, most of us have made some form of "sexual mistakes" in our past, but to expect your future partner not to wonder or ask about your past and potentially have some judgment is an unfair way to go through life. You may fall head over heels for someone in the near or distant future who has slept with more people than you, and you may have millions of thoughts running through your head about who those past partners were, or what ties they may still have with your current partner, and so on, but you personally are so closed off from opening up about your past…Seems slightly unfair. Remember that when you are curious and trying to gain trust and a foundation with a new partner, you may have to endure some uncomfortable conversations, but finding a mature and respectful way to approach and handle them is what is most important.
If you and your partner choose not to have a conversation about each of your pasts (should be agreed upon by both individuals in the relationship), then please don't complain months or years down the road about "some random ex girl or guy" that your partner had been with. If you are confident in your relationship, trust the person you are with, have a strong foundation, respect one another, have open communication and have put on the table all that you want to discuss before getting deep into your relationship, then bringing up the past months or years later on is not fair for either person in the relationship. Trust me, it will make both of you go insane and lose hope and trust for the relationship. NOT WORTH IT.
Let's move back to individuals expecting to be treated like a king or queen, but not reciprocating those actions. This is a common complaint from many young adults who are in new relationships, or even old ones. To begin, if your partner, women or men, yes I said it, women OR men, not just one partner or the other, is not being respectful and treating you the way you expect and deserve from the starting point of your relationship, then the best advice I can give you, is STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE OR THEIR ACTIONS. People are who they are and if they feel that the way they are treating their partner is "just fine," but the other partner disagrees, then there may be some lack of communication or lack of similar values in that relationship. On a better note, both partners should work hard to make the other partner feel respected and special, even years down the road. Don't just do nice things in the "honeymoon stage" and then stop after a few months or years. When one partner does nice things like, getting a woman flowers, or planning a special dinner/date, getting their partner a small gift, etc. this is what keeps the spark alive and helps each of the partners still feel special and loved. With that being said, something special does not need to happen daily or weekly and it probably won't, but every so often when it does it makes someone feel very special to know that their partner is thinking about them and wanting to do something to make them surprised and happy.
What's next? Values. This is one interesting topic in relationships these days. I laugh just thinking about the arguments I have seen couples get in over not having similar values or morals, but not realizing that their partners' values did not match up with theirs until far down the road. A piece of advice that I have learned from my past relationships that have failed, make sure that your values and morals are similar with your partner. This is such an important aspect of a relationship that many people young or old may forget about. If you and your partner don't have all the exact same values or morals and disagree on some things/topics, that is FINE! Just because you and another person don't fully agree on certain topics or things does not mean you aren't meant to be, but if there are areas, values or morals you both are passionate about, make sure those are similar if that is an area you care about. Having complete opposite views in every area/topic may not end very well.
The next topic I want to touch on is loyalty. This seems to be a really difficult area that many individuals struggle with and I still don't have a good answer of why that could be. Come on people, it's not that hard to be loyal to the ONE person you are with. If you find yourself losing feelings or lacking a connection with your partner, use your communication skills you were given and speak up! It may be hard at first for your partner to hear this hard news, but it will end much better if you speak up and handle the situation in a mature way, compared to cheating on your partner or making any form of mistake that isn't loyal. Some people seem to be unsure about what is considered "cheating or being dishonest" with their partner so I thought it would be helpful to list what I consider dishonest in a relationship. Kissing, sleeping with another person, flirting, yes I did say flirting, texting inappropriately, using social media (snapchat) in a way that is more than friends, etc. The biggest excuse I have heard from many individuals is, "Well I was drunk, I had no idea what I was doing." Well… I too have been in situations where alcohol has not "been on my side or in my favor" with decisions I have made, but guess what, whatever you choose to do under the influence of any substance is still a dishonest mistake that you did not have to go through with. Here's an idea, maybe don't get trashed… or if you do plan to drink, have fun and just make better choices! Simple as that. Anyone can have fun without making stupid mistakes.
What should I tackle next? Why not jump right into the topic that people and especially millennials hate the most… Social media. Don't worry my stomach is in a knot too. Writing about this is even harder than reading about it and then the worst part is realizing how much I relate to what is being written. This is such a difficult topic because so many people have different opinions or views about if social media enhances relationships or if it destroys them. I personally think that social media has taken over so many young adults time and energy and not too many good things come from using it. Don't get me wrong I love scrolling through my Instagram feed and looking at the unrealistic men and women who have outstanding bodies, or the bomb ass cakes that different accounts are making. They act like making a 12 layer cake is easy… Yeah, not at all.
But aside from the fun or inspirational accounts we all follow, many young women and men are getting caught up in their partner "liking another person's picture" or "posting a picture that the other partner doesn't like" or the best comment of all… "I always post, but he/she never posts about me. Like do people even know we're dating?" I look back at times in my past when I was upset over dumb crap involving social media and it truly is laughable to look back on. If you are that concerned about your boyfriend or girlfriend posting a picture, liking someone else's picture, etc. then you have bigger issues to discuss. That is a confidence issue that so many people lack and even though many of us have struggled with that, it does not mean you lack confidence all around or you aren't a good person. You could be extremely confident in other areas and be the most outstanding person, but your gut is trying to tell you something. So I challenge you to ask yourself, "Why do I feel annoyed/hurt/frustrated or any other emotions about social media with my partner?" This is a perfect time to discuss with your partner what types of things upset/bother you and get on the same page as one another. Build trust, respect one another's feelings and make adjustments to your lifestyle if the relationship you are in is something you want to hold onto. If you find yourself on the other end and not really understanding why your partner is so upset, maybe your initial foundation is not as strong as you thought. I say that because your partner having a "snapchat streak, or a snapchat best friend" with someone that isn't you, should not upset you if you feel your partner is doing nothing wrong. If you are questioning your partner's intentions with social media and other people, that is a trust issue that you may want to discuss.
You are probably wondering what could be discussed now. I have covered so much already, well I like to save the best topic for last! Communication. This is something I have struggled with in my past relationships and the lack of communication I have failed to use with past partners has ruined relationships and has made my relationship/bond with them much worse than it should have been. There are not any relationships that exist in this world that are successful and revolve around "lack of communication" or "keeping things to yourself." People who have been and who are successful in relationships, use great communication skills with their partner and they are constantly finding ways to improve them to make that bond and relationship even more open, respectful and strong. There are many aspects of being a good or successful communicator, but even people who excel in this area can improve. Being an active listener is so important and I can't stress that enough! Yes, we all want to be the person to share how we feel or communicate our feelings, good or bad to our partner, but that can't always be the case. Everyone needs to find ways to actively listen to their partner and what they may be addressing, and really soak that in and take something away from what they are saying. If you find yourself attempting to actively listen, but you are thinking about what you want to eat later, or how the comments your partner is saying are "dramatic" or "annoying," well guess what… YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! You are in another world with your thoughts and yes, at times it is hard to focus, but it's so important and simply respectful to hear what someone else has to say and commenting back in a respectful way. Communication is key and that is a statement I will stand by forever. I have learned how to be a better communicator and listener through many attempts at past relationships and I am not the least bit embarrassed to admit that.
Having strong communication and active listening skills can make you develop a more mature outlook on life and it helps you in so many areas aside from dating. To be successful in a job or volunteer setting requires strong communication and active listening skills. So why not improve them one day at a time and find ways that work well for you as a person.
As I finish writing this, I find myself wondering if I mentioned everything that we "deal" with in 2018 when trying to get to know someone or dating someone, but in truth, there are so many areas that affect people in different ways and I know if I mentioned all of them this would go on forever. If anything I wrote in here you don't personally agree with or feel is "accurate" that is totally fine. I wrote this from my own brain, perspective and experiences, and I knew writing this it would not match up with everyone else in the world and I am secure with that! I encourage everyone who reads this to also take your own advice and apply it to your own relationships, friendships, etc. I know so many individuals who have given me some of the best and most mature advice and I see them not using their own advice so often and it makes me so sad. WONDERFUL PEOPLE, PLEASE TAKE YOUR OWN BOMB ASS ADVICE!!! Everyone has something so special and unique to share with others, so do it!
Thanks for reading!
-Madeline Michels
