If you're a single, straight woman who's been out in the dating world in your 20s, you've undoubtedly encountered an assortment of men who have exemplified the old adage that "age is nothing but a number." In many cases, you've probably found that the numbers don't make the man.
Now, no one wants to keep up with stuffy old gender norms that dictate silly rules about relationships, but everyone does want to feel cared for now and again in a way that promotes partnership and equality. That's where the issue of dating boys vs. men comes into play, and the following list is a good start to determining where you fall in the equation.
1. Planner or a player?
When you go out, who makes the plans? Is he constantly making plans that he can't follow through on or bailing last minute because he remembered something else more pressing? A man who is responsible for himself and his schedule will be sure to plan his priorities accordingly. While not everyone is interested in the man who plans your every date/outing, there's something to be said for some intention when you ask a girl to dinner or the movies. If he can't participate in making plans with you, or is constantly amending them for others, chances are you're running the show, and that isn't likely to change anytime soon.
2. Actions or excuses?
When mistakes are made—by one or both of you—what's his first reaction? Does he excuse himself by putting the blame on you, or some other act of God? Is his next move to apologize, talk it out and make it right, or vaguely reference the future in which he can "do better next time"? It might seem fairly obvious to read, but in the heat of the moment and your mutual desire to forgive each other and move on, it may be hard to realize how often you accept his mistakes without any improvement. You should both be working towards constant self-improvement and holding yourself accountable for your actions—but it shouldn't turn into a policing contest of who has done wrong to who. He should be accountable for himself the same way you are, and if not, that's a problem.
3. Late or on time?
While this strikes some similarities with #1, a man is timely when a boy is late. Even if he's going to be a few minutes later than planned, he should be able to let you know ahead of time and keep you updated if something else really does come up. He should value your time and know that no one wants to be kept waiting. If his mentality is that you can wait until he's ready or done with whatever he's doing, he isn't valuing you well.
4. Honesty or hidden feelings?
Of course, there are things that take time to surface between people in any relationship, but keeping you in the dark about his feelings is no way to earn your trust and respect. If he can't deal with his own emotions openly and honestly, chances are he isn't mature enough for a relationship. Caring for another person includes caring for their emotional well-being, and he can't care for you if he can't care for himself. Where a boy is afraid to cry and let it all out, a man is going to let you know when he's feeling weak and needs encouragement, but he won't expect you to take care of it all for him. A partnership depends on sharing the hard feelings just as much as the happy ones, but no one should bear the weight of it all alone.
5. Touching or timid?
When you introduce him to your friends, does he instantly transform into a bashful schoolboy about holding your hand or kissing you on the cheek? I'm not talking about any excessive PDA here, but it's always nice to be able to tell the difference between your guy pals and your boyfriend. While most of it comes down to personal preference and the setting you're in, the interactions between the two of you should be indicative of your relationship. A boy will be worried about what others think or afraid to show his feelings, but a man will be understanding of what you're comfortable with and how to make you feel appreciated in every setting. That way, you don't feel like you're pestering him when you catch his hand as you walk down the sidewalk, and you can mutually appreciate a quick kiss before parting ways.
While there's always room for growth in all stages of our lives, it's important that you find someone who's at the same life stage as you—and it can often be hard to decipher. None of this is meant to say that women can't be childish in the same way (believe me, I've made several of these mistakes myself) but there's a tendency for all of us, men and women alike, to accept repeated behaviors that are indicative of larger problems that we can't solve in anyone but ourselves. The next time you find yourself wondering if having the same fight over and over again is worth it, see if you can't find a larger root to the problem...and maybe wait for someone who's life experience matches more closely with yours. After all, age is just a number.
