Dating a narcissist is seriously one of the hardest things in life. The thing is when you are dating a narcissist everything is your fault. You are constantly blamed for things you never even did. You get yelled at to the point where you are in tears and the sad thing is they basically get off on that. You will constantly question yourself worth. You will questions where things went wrong. You will ask yourself over and over again where you messed up. The sad thing is, you did not mess up. Narcissists' like to blame anyone but themselves. They will turn any situation against you even if they are the ones who did the dirty work.
I was blamed constantly for things that I have never even done. I was slammed for cheating though I have never done that nor would I ever want to do that to someone. I was called selfish but in reality he was the selfish one. Everything had to be about him and I could never bring anything up about myself. People constantly asked me why I didn't leave. The thing is narcissists' are very controlling and very persuasive. I was sort of addicted to it. I know that is weird or cliche to say but it's the truth. There was something about that kind of love that made it hard to let go of.
The love was extremely toxic. There would be a fight almost everyday. There would be tears soaking the pillows but then seconds later it would be laughter and snuggles. Yes I know it is extremely unhealthy. But after a fight that love was so addicting. There would be two good days, then all of the sudden like a flip of a switch an argument would start and some sort of blame would be placed on me. Its extremely difficult to talk about some of the things that I went through with dating someone so focused on themselves, and so addicted to putting the blame on others. It sucks cause there will always be some form of love there. I gave that man 4 years of my life. 4 years that I will never get back. 4 years of feeling worthless, unloveable, ugly, and every bad feeling you could ever imagine. 4 years of tear soaked pillow cases and crying so hard you can barely breathe. I know its my own fault for staying but like I said that type of love is hard to let go of.
That type of love also made me feel worthless to the point where I thought I would never find better, to the point where I thought I am unloveable. I know it's not true but being told all the negative things over a span of four years its hard not to think those thoughts are not true.
That type of love was also the type of love I craved. The love was good when things were good. its weird cause something so bad also was so good. I think that's the part of me that kept putting up with things. I kept thinking he's going to change. Ladies a man will never change if they are a narcissist. They will say all the sweetest things but I promise you it won't change. There were so many red flags but I became color blind to them with each day that passed. I fell for the love, the rush that I felt, and the thought of knowing it wasn't good for me. it was hard to leave. I will be honest I still cry sometimes and sometimes I do miss it. I know though that going back to that will not be good for my mental and emotional health. I know what I deserve and I won't settle for less than that. I am finally letting go of the toxicness and the constant self doubt that, that relationship brought me.
