I hesitate to call myself an actor, I don’t feel qualified. Same with being a writer, a singer, and artist. I don’t feel old enough, experienced enough (maybe that’s why I date younger guys—LOL).
I’m OK with calling myself a dancer, though. I’ve been taking dance lessons for over a dozen years now, and last year I had 8 a.m. ballet five times a week for the entire school year, so I feel I can definitely consider and call myself a dancer. I have been choreographing shows since I was in 8th grade and have been a featured dancer and dance captain in numerous musicals, which just helps me solidify this title.
I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember, and I’m not bad. I’ve written short plays and poetry that people like, and I write here every week so I don’t slack over the summer, but I still pause before admitting to anyone that I’m a writer.
And even though I’ve also been in over a dozen musicals and have taken private voice lessons since seventh grade, I hesitate to call myself a singer. I want to be in musicals for a living, and yet the words “singer” and “actress” get stuck on the back of my tongue. I want to claim these words for my title, and for the way I view myself, but I can’t do it confidently.
Maybe it’s because it can feel cliched. I feel like everybody nowadays is an artist/writer/dancer/singer/actress, so it isn’t really taken seriously. People are very blasé about the whole thing. When you tell someone that you’re a writer they usually respond with, “Oh, that’s nice.” Which is disheartening and discouraging and all the other “d” starting synonyms.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been in enough shows or published anything yet. But I don’t know when it will be enough. I can perform and write my whole life and never quite feel like I’ve done enough to consider myself anything.
Sometime I just call myself a performer, trying to pass it off as an umbrella term because saying dancer/singer/actress is all too time consuming, but really because I can’t bring myself to allow those to be my identifiers. I’m around so many talented people all the time (literally, all the hecking time) who are leaps and bounds above me, I can’t consider myself one of them. I am not their peer, I’m just someone who aspires to be like them someday.
I’d love to just call myself a creator, but how hipster does that sound? I like this term, it is the true essence of who I am. I write, I dance, I sing, I act, I bake, I cook, I paint, I draw, I create. I instinctively wanted to end that sentence with, “I am,” because those things are the things that make up who I am. That give me joy and purpose and fulfillment on this spinning rock. I choreograph, so I create dances. I paint 8ft. tall paintings of women, therefore I create art. Someday I want to be a mom and which is the ultimate of creation, creating a human life. I am creating a life for myself and I want to add color and music and choreography and muffins to the lives of everyone around me.
I’m working towards becoming a professional in my field, but it feels like I’ll never be there. That I’ll never be qualified enough, or experienced enough, but I’m going to keep working regardless. I can’t wait for the day when I can proudly refer to myself as everything I dreamed to be.
