So in thinking about an article to write for this week, I realized that my last two articles have been kind of heavy, what with all the state sponsored executions and mortification at our nation's electoral system. I realized that writing about either about Roger Ailes leaving Fox or Bill O’Reilly putting his foot firmly in his own mouth might make it appear that I don’t know what fun is.

Instead I’ll write about something that I found entertaining: “Star Trek Beyond.” But, since obviously I can’t just simply sit and enjoy a movie, I’ll ask a question that had been sincerely bothering me while watching it.

Exactly how many people died over the course of the movie?

Spoilers ahead obviously.

I understand that this might seem like an odd thing to think about, but ever since watching “Man of Steel” and its unrestrained destruction of a populated city, it’s something that’s crept into the back of my mind.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s start off with nerdy overanalysis. When I first walked out of the movie, I had the feeling that like a lot of people had died, given Krall’s plan was to release an apocalyptic bio-weapon inside a glass bubble. But upon further review, the only casualties we saw onscreen were the crew of the Enterprise and the bad guys. Which severely limits the total possible casualty count.

Starting off with the USS Enterprise we know, thanks to the memory Beta wiki, that the crew size of a Constitution Class in the Kelvin Star Trek timeline is 1,100 people. Which gives us a base, assuming that the Enterprise would be fully crewed during its Five Year Mission.

So our number is 1,100, and we only need to subtract to figure out the Enterprise’s casualties. Which shouldn’t be that hard right?

Oh my heart…

Oh it hurts … it hurts my heart…

…

Sorry … I’ll avoid doing that again. It would be difficult to determine casualties from the destruction of the Enterprise. Luckily, we can figure that out based on the survivors. And even more luckily, Scotty provided us with a way of counting the survivors of the destruction of the Enterprise.

The bridge crew of the Enterprise rescued the rest of the crew with transponders that allow for 20 to be teleported at a time. They were teleported in three groups (let’s be generous and say 60) plus Scotty, Chekov and Kirk, which leaves 63 survivors.

Bringing our casualty count to...

USS Enterprise Casualties: ~1,037

Well, this is already depressing.

But we’re not done yet! After the rescue, the crew of the Enterprise mans the USS Franklin and saves the Space Station Yorktown. In doing so, they ram into EVERY DARN THING IN SPACE! Which, as you imagine, probably resulted in hull breaches that sucked some poor redshirts into space, because you know, that’s the reason they exist.

This one is significantly more difficult to figure out, what with not actually seeing anyone die and such. But I think I have found a solution. In the “Star Trek: Enterprise” episode "Damage" we see the NX-01 Enterprise (the original Enterprise) suffer similar damage to the Franklin, at least cosmetically, and we are told that the crew lost 14 people. Given that the Franklin would be a considerably older ship, i.e. less advanced, let’s round that number up to 20.

USS Enterprise/Franklin Casualties: ~1,057

Add in the two schmucks that got their soul sucked out by Krall.

USS Enterprise/Franklin Casualties: ~1,059

And there we go, the total Starfleet casualties. Which leaves 41 of the original Enterprise crew left. I guess that explains the small turnout for Kirk’s birthday party

Now for the Baddies!

Two.

The number is two. Despite the massive swarm of ships that was so hyped in the trailers, there were only three actual bad guys. One of which I'm 80 percent sure isn't dead.

Why is this? Well, because the entirety of the swarm is made up robots and drones. The only three living things are Krall and his two lieutenants.

Krall himself was sucked out into space. His lady lieutenant, whose name I don't think anyone has bothered to learn, had the Enterprise dropped on her, while his other lieutenant Manas was pushed off of a two story building. So he's probably fine. Maybe a few scratches and bruises, but otherwise no problems.

I can actually see it now, a big scary super hybrid guy putting on band-aids and moping as it slowly dawns on him that he is now alone against a planet of refugee aliens that he shot out of the sky.

Final Damage Report: ~1,061 casualties.