Do men really have it all?
What do men gain from generations of reinforcement that they ought to repress their emotions as they approach a certain age? Why do my unshaven legs bother you? What lessons are learned from negative comments such as, "Be a man" or, "Don't be a p*ssy?" Why is "like a girl" an insult? Lastly, why don’t guys go to the bathroom together?
These are some concerns that cross my mind when I think of how some men cannot allow themselves to be the slightest bit vulnerable or effeminate. I’ve never been able to understand why sensitivity is slapped onto the female sex as something rather finite while men are often told to wear a brave face. Something else I have been guilty of I can best explain by providing an example. The other day when I was catching up with some friends, one of them had asked me if I had ever seen my boyfriend cry. When I said yes, they reacted in a way plenty others have before: "Whoa, really?"
It really shouldn’t be a big deal that people are known to cry. The purpose of this article is to show that we need to reach a point where we cease to annotate our behaviors and stop assigning them to a single gender. This practice and the abolishment of harmful gender norms calls for the involvement of all genders: and this is partly why I say that we need more men involved when it comes to learning about the ups and downs of being a feminist.
Did I lose any of you there? Well, here is just one downside of feminism.
It has come to my understanding that many people tend to shut off when they hear the word feminism. For example, I had an old pal (who is a feminist) once tell me she witnessed a man holding a door open for a gal, and she screamed, "F*ck the patriarchy" for his simple act of kindness. In case you didn’t know, opening a door for a stranger isn’t the “manly” thing to do; it’s the polite thing to do. This story got me thinking that perhaps this is the sort of extreme idea that deters people from wanting to know about being a feminist: an angry, man-hating killjoy. Well, yes and no; I’m not going to lie and say there aren’t some crazy people out there. Note how I said people, and not just women.
The most important lesson to take away from this example is not to be discouraged from learning more about what it means to be a feminist. If you don’t see how feminism isn’t just a women’s issue, I implore you to think again. More importantly, don’t let one tidbit example of feminism make or break it for you; and don’t think that feminism carries the same meaning for everyone, because it doesn’t.
We don’t learn anything if we all have the same points of view. An essential part of my feminism is allowing others not to identify as feminists even if I disagree and think they should. However, when I do learn that about someone, I find myself hoping I am not asking too much by inquiring why. Is it because they are misinformed? Are they not informed at all? Do they not see that they are affected by the societal norms we have established in making sense of gender relations? Are they inconvenienced when it comes to learning something greater than themselves? Do they just not care?
When I ask these sorts of questions, it is not coming from a place of judgment; rather, I am constantly trying to make sense of what makes us different and why. Why are some people comfortable with inequality while there are many others clearly fighting against it? Identifying as a feminist shows that you are the slightest bit aware of the economic, social, political and racial disparities between all sexes and that you hopefully want to learn more in order to make an effective change. It does not mean that you know it all or that you deserve some sort of pat on the back; only that you give a damn on the distribution of fairness and equity in the treatment of others. Feminism can really be that simple, and it only grows from there.
It is one of my greatest grievances when people don’t see or care about an issue because they don’t appear to be affected by it. To give an example: as someone who is cisgender, I may not share many of the same experiences as someone who is trans; but I am not going to dismiss them because I am less affected by what they have to go through. This isn’t to say that I have the greatest grasp on what they struggle with, or that their struggle should be overlooked because of the fact that everyone struggles or because that’s the "way things are." If you’re anything like me, you genuinely want a better world for everyone, and that includes people who are different from you.
At some point all of us are going to have to acknowledge that we are the ones who have established what we consider “the norm.” By acknowledging how these norms have impacted our various paths, we can take the first step in figuring out what we can do next to build a better bridge between all of us. I am not saying that feminism is the definite answer; however, there is nothing to be lost in your quest for a greater knowledge and understanding of people.
As a young feminist in training, the advice I would give to others is to begin to acknowledge the world around you. Begin to understand why men are encouraged to act in such a way that women would be looked down upon for, and vice versa. Begin to understand that gender is a social construct. There is a reason why society is set up in such a way to divide people based on our differences and our identities, but there is no reason why we should have to settle for it.
