I'm Almost At My Quarter-Life Crisis, And I'm Still Haunted By Daddy Issues

I'm Almost At My Quarter-Life Crisis, And I'm Still Haunted By Daddy Issues

I'm almost at my (quarter) mid life crisis but I don't think daddy issues should be on the menu?

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What happens when nearly everything you've ever wanted from your father actually is given to you?

Think about it.

Most of my issues with men and in my relationships come from my relationship (or lack of relationship) with my father. I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and deep insecurities due to my father. No, I am not blaming him for everything.

I am saying when your father does one thing constantly to hurt you then it creates a pattern of reaction. And for me, it made a wall to protect myself from him and any other man as I got older.

However, I cannot say my relationships suck because of daddy issues anymore because...my dad and I have confronted everything over the years. And...I still feel traumatized by it?

When he says he's going to do something, I cannot believe him. When he does do it, I am surprised. When he says he's going to drink, I expect him not to come back or ending up wishing he hadn't.

I am still traumatized even though he has proven time and time again that he is not that man anymore. Why is that? Did I miss the transition? Why can I not trust that he is going to be good and everything can stay this way?

It seems like my walls never came down. I cannot trust anyone and I believe in the worst in people.

I always hope for the best but try not to be just anybody's fool.

The cynicism in my soul is raging against the optimistic innocence I once held as a child.

I still get mad sometimes, I will cry when I see him making plans for his grandchildren thinking, "Why couldn't you have your shit together when I was younger? Why do my future children get the best of you? Why could you not just spare me all the selfishness of your late twenties thinking paying the bills was enough to fill your role as a father?"

The resentment is deep. I want to be better because I know it hurts him when I bring up the past. That's the weird thing...I am the only one still lingering in the past.

Instead of being grateful and loving the man he has become now, I am angry at the man he was not when he was younger.

The only thing that got me through it was when someone said, "How would you like it if someone kept bringing up your past? How would you like to be seen as your mistakes? Never good enough for someone because of who you were not who you are?"

My mom and dad were young. They probably had no idea what they were doing and as I got older, I found out my dad's dad wasn't the best to him either. I guess I didn't think about how that could ripple down into our relationship; but it has. I have decided that it will stop with me. Whatever my grandpa did to hurt my dad and my dad did to hurt me needs to be resolved. My grandpa never really changed his ways and that relationship between father and son will never be at its full potential.

My dad has actively tried to prove he loves me and wants to be an actual father to me. I am grateful for that. He did not have anyone to show him so the last couple of years have been trial and error.

I hope one day to learn how to forgive a little quicker so I won't have so much evil in my soul. It suffocates me and everything I think and say becomes negative.

Choosing to love someone is the harder path (for me) but it has been the most rewarding.

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Friendly Reminder To Give Your Parents A Break, Because They Make Mistakes Just Like Us

As far as I was concerned, the birth of my parents coincided with my own.

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As children, there is a very obvious fact concerning our parents that we either consciously ignore or, in most cases, are completely oblivious to. And this fact is that our parents are, like everyone else, only human.

Up until recently, I never thought about who my parents were before they became "Mom" and "Dad." As far as I was concerned, the birth of my parents coincided with my own. And in becoming parents, I thought they were immediately bestowed with all of the powers that came with that grandiose title: unparalleled bravery and wisdom, unwavering patience and confidence, unrivaled strength and leadership.

Throughout my whole life, I have unfairly and unreasonably held them to these impossible standards of perfection, and when they failed to meet them, I blamed them for their shortcomings: whenever they would raise their voice at me, I blamed them for being mean. Whenever they refused to let me go out with my friends at night, I blamed them for being unfair. Whenever they couldn't offer me the "right" advice for my petty pre-teen problems, I blamed them for being unhelpful and even useless.

What I failed to acknowledge was the fact that my parents were not always parents. They were, and still are, the children of their own parents, meaning they hold within themselves all of the traits that come with that title: fear and naivete, impatience and uncertainty, weakness and inexperience. And so, it turns out that my parents are just children who are taking care of other children. Whenever they yelled at me, it is because they were capable of losing their patience.

Whenever they refused to let me stay out too late at night, it is because they were capable of being afraid; whenever they couldn't offer me the solution to all of my problems, it is because they were capable of simply not having all the answers.

And so we must remember that just like us, our parents are doing the best they can do, and just as they accept our best effort, perhaps we should learn to theirs as well.

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