I'm Almost At My Quarter-Life Crisis, And I'm Still Haunted By Daddy Issues
Parents

I'm Almost At My Quarter-Life Crisis, And I'm Still Haunted By Daddy Issues

I'm almost at my (quarter) mid life crisis but I don't think daddy issues should be on the menu?

864
I'm Almost At My Quarter-Life Crisis, And I'm Still Haunted By Daddy Issues
Personal Photo

What happens when nearly everything you've ever wanted from your father actually is given to you?

Think about it.

Most of my issues with men and in my relationships come from my relationship (or lack of relationship) with my father. I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and deep insecurities due to my father. No, I am not blaming him for everything.

I am saying when your father does one thing constantly to hurt you then it creates a pattern of reaction. And for me, it made a wall to protect myself from him and any other man as I got older.

However, I cannot say my relationships suck because of daddy issues anymore because...my dad and I have confronted everything over the years. And...I still feel traumatized by it?

When he says he's going to do something, I cannot believe him. When he does do it, I am surprised. When he says he's going to drink, I expect him not to come back or ending up wishing he hadn't.

I am still traumatized even though he has proven time and time again that he is not that man anymore. Why is that? Did I miss the transition? Why can I not trust that he is going to be good and everything can stay this way?

It seems like my walls never came down. I cannot trust anyone and I believe in the worst in people.

I always hope for the best but try not to be just anybody's fool.

The cynicism in my soul is raging against the optimistic innocence I once held as a child.

I still get mad sometimes, I will cry when I see him making plans for his grandchildren thinking, "Why couldn't you have your shit together when I was younger? Why do my future children get the best of you? Why could you not just spare me all the selfishness of your late twenties thinking paying the bills was enough to fill your role as a father?"

The resentment is deep. I want to be better because I know it hurts him when I bring up the past. That's the weird thing...I am the only one still lingering in the past.

Instead of being grateful and loving the man he has become now, I am angry at the man he was not when he was younger.

The only thing that got me through it was when someone said, "How would you like it if someone kept bringing up your past? How would you like to be seen as your mistakes? Never good enough for someone because of who you were not who you are?"

My mom and dad were young. They probably had no idea what they were doing and as I got older, I found out my dad's dad wasn't the best to him either. I guess I didn't think about how that could ripple down into our relationship; but it has. I have decided that it will stop with me. Whatever my grandpa did to hurt my dad and my dad did to hurt me needs to be resolved. My grandpa never really changed his ways and that relationship between father and son will never be at its full potential.

My dad has actively tried to prove he loves me and wants to be an actual father to me. I am grateful for that. He did not have anyone to show him so the last couple of years have been trial and error.

I hope one day to learn how to forgive a little quicker so I won't have so much evil in my soul. It suffocates me and everything I think and say becomes negative.

Choosing to love someone is the harder path (for me) but it has been the most rewarding.

From Your Site Articles
Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Swoon

119 People Reveal How The Pandemic Has Affected Their Love Lives, And Honestly... Relatable

"I haven't been able to get out of the 'talking phase' with anyone."

The reality is, there's no part of life the pandemic hasn't affected. Whether it's your work life, your home life, your social life, or your love life, coronavirus (COVID-19) is wreaking havoc on just about everything — not to mention people's health.

When it comes to romance, in particular, people are all handling things differently and there's no "right way" of making it through, regardless of your relationship status (single, taken, married, divorced, you name it). So, some of Swoon's creators sought out to hear from various individuals on how exactly their love lives have been affected since quarantine began.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Nordstrom's Biggest Sale Has The Most Legendary Deals On Luxury Beauty Brands We've Ever Seen

Counting down the days to the Chanel box set gracing my front door.

I oftentimes (excessively) use the excuse of my job as a writer to justify my excessive spending habits.

I needed the new Huda Beauty palette before anyone else in the name of journalistic integrity. It was my job to test out the new Francis Kurkdjian fragrance to make sure I could tell people whether or not it was truly worth the splurge (it was).

Keep Reading... Show less

Listen, you can do whatever you want with your free time. It's yours to spend and you have free range. However, I hope you recognize that there are a ton of proactive things you can do right now instead of stalking your man's ex – yes, I know you do it becuase we are all guilty of it.

Take this time to research your privilege. There are always new things to learn and ways to deepen your understanding of yourself, this world, and your surroundings. We live in a multi-dimensional, ever-changing society that needs your help and your time. By that, I mean there are so many layers to each and every one of us, and with our physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional selves, we can create real, positive change.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

Preview These Top Nordstrom Anniversary Sale 2020 Picks — From Luxury Purses To Skincare

Currently 3 million people viewing the Stella McCartney purse I absolutely must have.

Online shopping has been a guilty pleasure of ours for years, but now more than ever it's been a shopping lover's outlet for all our home redecorating projects and resort wear we're purchasing for that trip we had to cancel.

One of my favorite places to (virtually) window shop has always been Nordstrom. I admittedly can't afford to go on sprees there often, but I still get a high off of adding things to my cart I know I'll never actually end up buying. But sometimes, that's not enough — that's when I, like the masses of luxury-, beauty-, fashion-, and decor-lovers around the world count the days down to the annual Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

Keep Reading... Show less

I remember the days where closet drinking before going to a party or bar was part of the night's itinerary. It was a requirement to have a good buzz flowing before calling the Uber to take you to that bar where you see everyone from your high school at. The pregames were the best part of the night, but it wasn't ever because of the alcohol, it was because of the atmosphere and those who were in it. The number of times I've heard "Wait, why aren't you drinking tonight? C'mon, get drunk with us" is endless, but think about it. Where were you when you were asked that? You were at the goddamn pregame and being there doesn't mean you need to be ripping shots. Being social doesn't require alcohol.

I asked 20 people how they cut back on alcohol while still being social.

Keep Reading... Show less

Whether you are quarantining away from your significant other because of coronavirus or separated by the country lines at this time, it's fair to say that long-distance relationships are tough no matter what. However, there are ways to show love from a distance whether that's through daily FaceTime calls, cute Snapchats, or sexy pics sent to them on their phone. You can brighten up their day even more with some of these unique gifts that can fit any price range and a variety of interests.

Keep Reading... Show less

Rihanna is known for many things: her music, fashion, makeup, and now skincare. As a makeup artist myself, I can confidently say that she rocked the makeup world when she released her makeup line in 2017 and has been influencing the beauty world ever since.

Trying some of her makeup products myself, I know that she doesn't skimp on quality, and even though some of her products may be a little pricey, trust me, you get what you pay for.

Keep Reading... Show less

Friends, no one needs to be reminded that the COVID-19 pandemic rages on in the U.S. Frankly, this is because we have all collectively decided not to do the one simple thing that was asked of us and wear a mask.

I could make this a very boring article, and berate you with facts and statistics and the importance of wearing a mask, but I have opted against that for both of our sakes. Instead, I will attempt to reach you in another way. You might not care about a disapproving look from me, but from Nick Miller? Maybe that will be enough to change your mind.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments