Are You Interested In Joining (Or Starting) A Cult?

Are You Interested In Joining (Or Starting) A Cult?

Check out these FAQs before you do!
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As odd as this sounds, I've always had a thing for cults. Jonestown, the Branch Davidians, you name it! If it involves a megalomaniac and a bunch of imbeciles with deep pockets that follow him/her, I'm in!

And after watching Wild Wild Country on Netflix, I have now seen (brace yourselves) approximately three whole documentaries centered around cultism, making me an expert on all things cult-related.

So, not wanting to let my knowledge go to waste, I now present to you some FAQs that I imagine many cult-curious individuals might have.

How difficult is it start a cult?

On a scale from 1-10? I'd say a two. From what I can ascertain, all you need is an accent, an ideology that makes absolutely no logical sense, and a beard (sorry to all of you aspiring pre-pubescents out there). Oh, and it also helps if you know a lot of gullible white people.

How do I become a successful cult leader?

Like I said, you've got to have the beard, the accent, and the loose grip on reality. But if you've already got that locked down and now want to be the best of the best, work on your sense of smell. It seems as though the common thread holding all of these leaders together is an uncanny ability to smell the loose change in your pockets from miles away.

What if I just want to join a cult?

1) Find out the address of your favorite cult leader

2) Put on an outfit consisting of articles of clothing that are all exactly the same color

3) Put $20 in your pocket and knock on said leader's front door: thanks to that aforementioned sense of smell, you'll be a full-fledged member before he/she even opens the door.

Can I only sign up myself for a life of cultism, or can I sign up others as well?

Of course, you can sign up other people! Why stop at ruining your own life? From what I've seen, you're not a true cult member until you've brought your friends and family down with you.

Do cults have secret languages?

Yes, they do, but unfortunately, they're all different. I, being an expert on this stuff, am quite obviously fluent in all of them, but explaining every nuance of every language would take way too much time. But, there are some words and phrases that are common amongst all cults:

1) No comment = "yes"

2) I've never been happier = "if I say anything else, I'll probably get locked in a closet"

3) Our leader is divine = "I haven't read a book since middle school"

What's the difference between a cult and an established religion?

HA, where do I even start?!

There is none.


Hope this helps!

Cover Image Credit: Wikimedia

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13 Quotes For All Of Us Empowered Female-Identifying People Out There

For the days when you need to be reminded that you are really doing the dang thing and doing it well.

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For the days when you need to be reminded that you are really doing the dang thing and doing it well.

1. Do you really need someone else's permission, acceptance, wink, or nod, or are you ready to give these to yourself? -The Universe

I get notes from the Universe everyday and all of them are so amazing and inspiring. There might be a few of them on this list. You can sign up for your own notes from the universe here.

2. The princess saves herself in this one. -Amanda Lovelace

The quote is based off a book called The Princess Saves Herself In This One, which is a collection of poetry about resilience, you can get the book here.

3. I'm made of more than you think. -Snow White, Mirror, Mirror

4. Other people's perception of you ain't none of your business. -Lisa Nichols

CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI.

5. Do you realize how many events and choices that had to occur since the birth of the universe leading to the making of just exactly the way you are? -Mrs. Which, A Wrinkle In Time

I love this because it really hits home how so many right and wrong decisions led to the creation of you and how you should appreciate the good and the bad because without either of them you wouldn't be exactly who you were supposed to be.

6. You can't stop what's done to you. You can only survive it. -Rachel, Georgia Rule 

This brings up an important theme of my life that I'm still trying to figure out. The only thing you can control in your life is how you react to what happens to you.

7. Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. -Patrick Verona, 10 Things I Hate About You

8. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Queen Clarisse, The Princess Diaries

9. No trifling of the past, no matter how great, can tarnish the brilliance of eternity. -The Universe

10. People who are insignificant to your future shouldn't have an impact on your present.

Someone once told me this, and although I can't remember the person, this quote has always stuck with me.

11. Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before. -Lady Gaga

You know what... I think she was talking about you.

12. Tell yourself it's easy. Tell yourself often. Make it an affirmation. Eat, sleep, breathe it, and you life shall be transformed. -The Universe

13. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. -Mark Twain 

Go on then, be empowered and trust your instincts, you've got big things coming... I can tell.

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