As odd as this sounds, I've always had a thing for cults. Jonestown, the Branch Davidians, you name it! If it involves a megalomaniac and a bunch of imbeciles with deep pockets that follow him/her, I'm in!

And after watching Wild Wild Country on Netflix, I have now seen (brace yourselves) approximately three whole documentaries centered around cultism, making me an expert on all things cult-related.

So, not wanting to let my knowledge go to waste, I now present to you some FAQs that I imagine many cult-curious individuals might have.

How difficult is it start a cult?

On a scale from 1-10? I'd say a two. From what I can ascertain, all you need is an accent, an ideology that makes absolutely no logical sense, and a beard (sorry to all of you aspiring pre-pubescents out there). Oh, and it also helps if you know a lot of gullible white people.

How do I become a successful cult leader?

Like I said, you've got to have the beard, the accent, and the loose grip on reality. But if you've already got that locked down and now want to be the best of the best, work on your sense of smell. It seems as though the common thread holding all of these leaders together is an uncanny ability to smell the loose change in your pockets from miles away.

What if I just want to join a cult?

1) Find out the address of your favorite cult leader

2) Put on an outfit consisting of articles of clothing that are all exactly the same color

3) Put $20 in your pocket and knock on said leader's front door: thanks to that aforementioned sense of smell, you'll be a full-fledged member before he/she even opens the door.

Can I only sign up myself for a life of cultism, or can I sign up others as well?

Of course, you can sign up other people! Why stop at ruining your own life? From what I've seen, you're not a true cult member until you've brought your friends and family down with you.

Do cults have secret languages?

Yes, they do, but unfortunately, they're all different. I, being an expert on this stuff, am quite obviously fluent in all of them, but explaining every nuance of every language would take way too much time. But, there are some words and phrases that are common amongst all cults:

1) No comment = "yes"

2) I've never been happier = "if I say anything else, I'll probably get locked in a closet"

3) Our leader is divine = "I haven't read a book since middle school"

What's the difference between a cult and an established religion?

HA, where do I even start?!

There is none.


Hope this helps!