Cup Completely Empty

Cup Completely Empty

Control, controls me.

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Fear. Desire. Anger. Love. Motivation.

Emotions.

A hand shoves itself inside me and rips every last one out

I am empty.

All of the feelings are exchanged with control. The uttermost desire for control

I grasp control with the last bit of energy I have and vow to never let it go

The relationship I have always wanted, I have it now.

Wait.

There's a twist

This control, it controls me.

I stand face to face,

with myself.

The face that stares back at me, unrecognizable

Sunken eyes and a broken smile

I am prisoner to my own self as my mouth waters

A dark hole that will never be satisfied no matter how full or empty

Guns trigger everywhere making it impossible to avoid a bullet

A future memory never occurs

Current moments are never registered

Images of perfection are glued to my eyes like contacts

I am fading away, the face staring back at me is blurry now

Bricks tied to a string slowly drown me in fear

I've been drifting to the bottom for years, a bottomless pit

I lie to my face, promising change that will only turn in to a game

Light as a feather

I walk through life, dragged by the motions with a chain around my ribcage

Sucking me in by the minute and taking every heartbeat away one by one

I scribble nonsense on a pieces of paper, only to repeat myself the next day

A paper cut that keeps getting deeper, more painful

My mouth spits out knots of promises and lies, I forget what's up or down

A fist forms preparing to shatter the face that's staring back at me

But the control is too quick, too powerful

Time to get back to work

I scale myself, analyzing every inch of my canvas

It changes every single hour, my mind keeps morphing me

The devil sits upon my shoulder and whispers the loudest words of hate into my ears

envy wraps its hand around my neck and chokes me

The thinnest sheets of paper make the largest pile in the book of my life

Mutilation and self destruction run like clockwork

But don't worry….

My story doesn't end here

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To The High School Senior, It's Not All About College Applications

Finish strong, be mindful of your needs, and live in peace.

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I wish I could have said this all last year, that you will never have it as easy as you do right now. It's the end of the road for childhood and you're wondering what else do I do with my life now that I'm going to college? It's a mix of emotions and feelings that are hard to process. My goal is telling you this is the year to do everything fun and live like you haven't before. This doesn't mean skip school on the daily and get bad grades(it matters until the end because of college).

But above all else, don't let college applications define your year. People think applying to college is the story of what happens senior year(which is mostly true but I promise that is not the only thing that matters). There is so much more to life than college applications and laughing how everyone becomes depressed their last year from being around the same people. If I could tell myself last year, it would be this:

First, it would be to not argue with people at all. This last year is simply too scared to fight and argue with people over nothing. Do your best to be kind to everyone and not cause problems for other people. Everyone deserves to have a nice senior year.

Second, enjoy being able to live in your own room and not share with anyone else. Once you get to college there's going to be a lot of unnecessary noise that you sort of get used to living with.

Next, do not take an abundance of college classes. They're only going to help you but so much and you're not going to want to do the work anyway. Don't be one of those people who does this and doesn't feel the need to have a social life. It's no joke, recognize you're human and be mindful of your needs.

In addition, there is no such thing as a perfect school. Every school has its flaws and most of the time when people say yes, they're saying yes to the marketing campaign the school has. There is a large difference between the marketing campaign for the school and actually living there. It's always good to go to your top school and tour a second time so you know what definitely fits you.

Most importantly, do not be too consumed in your cell phone and pretend that you don't care about anything. That's like a lame childish response pretending you don't have feelings. And for those that still think this is the way to go, I can't wait until you take a sociology class and learn about how humans are dependent on one another.

Appreciate everything mom and dad have done for you. Do not fuss about what is put on the dinner table, and instead be grateful that they took their time to prepare a meal for YOU. Nothing compares to mom's home-cooked meals. Because that dining hall food can really mess you up.

You will be working the 9-5 all day every day. There will be more work, you will be stressed out about reading around 300 pages of material per week, and have the stress of having two tests as the only semester grades.

Lastly, you will actually have to adult for the first time ever in college and find what keeps you motivated. It's not a hand holding game with constant support. You have the opportunity to do a lot by yourself but also with others.

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A Letter To The End Of The Semester

Sincerely, your only slightly disgruntled student
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Dear End of the Semester,

Yes, I am talking to you! The semester that has thrown me for a loop and that is finally coming to an end. I just wanted to say that I hope you enjoyed your fun because there were definitely days that I didn’t enjoy it as much as you did. Like remember the day that you decided to have three different papers due and for once I had them all done a week early, but you and my computer decided that the day before was a good idea to get into an argument? You know how the computer gets, yet you still did it anyways. And of course he shut down, and it took me and many skilled technicians to coax him out of his hibernation. I don’t know if I can necessarily forgive you for that one, but I guess the semester wasn’t all that bad. Yes, I agree it wasn’t all that bad. Don’t try and make fun of me for it, because it’s just going to get next semester in trouble.

I will admit that you haven’t been as terrible as I tended to make you out to be during times of stress. During those times, I forgot that there is only so much the both of us could do during a five-month time period. So, I apologize to you too, semester, for not taking opportunities that I should have because I let the stress overrun everything. Let’s not dwell on those things and remember the amazing things that happened. Let’s remember the amazing trips that we took and the accomplishments that we made in preparation for all the travel and goal crushing to come over the semester. There was so much that we did this time around that would have or could have never been done before without these last couple of months and the people that we hold dear. I just hope that we can carry this enthusiasm from now until the end of finals and through to the summer.

Speaking of the dreaded Mr. Finals—is there anything you can do in order to get him to take a chill pill throughout the next two weeks? Because if not, we’re all going to have problems and we’ve had such a great end that I really don’t want to cause problems now. With that said, let me just say that even after finals are over, I will look at you, Semester, and know that you tried your best and that I tried my best, no matter what. I thought, though, that this letter to you would be helpful so that the next time that we see each other we can just start off with all the amazing stuff and skip some of those questionable moments. So, until next time Semester, I love you, but I am so ready for Summer to come around.

Sincerely,

Your only slightly disgruntled student

Cover Image Credit: Shannon Smirnow

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