Max: Women, I can't be your friend. According to science, my fragile pea-brain male mind prevents me from seeing you as anything but a sexual partner. I know you haven't noticed all that broiling sexual tension between us in chapel. I didn't befriend you because we like the same things or have great conversations. Nope, just lust! My research shows that it's overwhelmingly impossible for me to simply treat women as people.
Emily: Guys, according to society I also can’t be your friend. Any semblance of friendliness on my part is me flirting with you. But I don’t want any ol’ nice guy. No, I’m selective. I enjoy toying with your emotions and friend-zoning the nice guys because I only see them like a friend or brother. Otherwise, my only goal in life is to seek out a husband. I mean, that’s why I’m at college, right? To get my Mrs. degree?
Max: I never considered that opposite-sex friendships were contentious. I’m writing this because I saw too many articles that ask this question and answer, "No." What I hope to bring to this debate is a comprehensive look at all sides and a male perspective.
Emily: This article isn’t to say that either of us is an ultimate authority on the topic. We both just believe that healthy cross-gender friendships can exist and that our friendship in itself proves it.
Research
Max: I wanted to know just how doomed my cross-gender friendships are, so I did extensive research of scientific studies and various articles. I even watched When Harry Met Sally, which is a cute romantic film that only has one cross-gender friendship and it’s between the two charismatic, attractive leads who—wait for it—fall in love.
Let's start with studies that deny opposite-sex friendships. A study at the University of Wisconsin in 2012 proposed that opposite-sex friendships are a recent mating strategy. Their finding is that attraction "between cross-sex friends is common, and it is perceived more often as a burden than as a benefit.” Similarly, a study at NCBI supports the notion that men are more likely to perceive female friendliness as attraction: “women reported being subject to opposite-sex sexual overperception far more often relative to under-perception, and that this difference was small for men.”
An interesting study by psychologist Linda Sapadin acknowledges sexual tension, but admits genuine friendship. She writes, “Topping women's list of dislikes: sexual tension" and that men said "sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship, and that it could even deepen a friendship." Her finding was that 62% of people report sexual tension in cross-sex friendships. However, she discovered men rated these friendships as better in overall quality than same-sex friendships. Sapadin notes, "What they reported liking most was talking and relating to women—something they can’t do with their buddies.”
Furthermore, sociologist and author, Michael Kimmel, wrote that opposite-sex friendships are becoming increasingly prevalent:
“When I first began teaching, 25 or so years ago, I asked my students how many of them had a good friend of the opposite sex. About 10% said they did . . . These days, when I ask my students, I’ve had to revise the question: 'Is there anyone here who does not have a friend of the opposite sex?' A few hands perhaps, in the more than 400 students in the class.”
As for web articles, I noticed three primary responses to whether cross-sex friendships are viable: yes, the writer has a history of positive cross-gender friendships; no, studies show men are dominated by sexual urges and misconstrue female friendship; no, opposite-sex friendships are an invitation of emotional infidelity.
I found a '90s webpage about something called Ladder Theory. The idea is basically Harry's ideology in When Harry Met Sally—men want to have sex with every woman. It posits that men rate women based on their viability and so do women, but they also separate men into a zone for friends: "a man has one ladder while a female has two. The man is lacking a 'Friends Ladder.' The man's ladder reflects the conventional wisdom that a man generally only wants one thing."
This isn't a rare opinion. Another article cites Ladder Theory to discourage "pointless" friendships: “If you have women in your life you want to get it in with but they won’t give it up to you, then stop kidding yourself. Learn to walk away from people who aren’t of value to you.” It's an approach that's as selfish as it is sexist.
On the other side of the debate is an article explaining why cross-gender friendships are viable despite attraction.
“Friendships are not based on anything physical. They are based on emotions. They are a result of a deep connection felt between two people, whatever their gender or sexuality . . . And even if the physical attraction is there, there's a difference between actively wanting to have sex and just being down to do it.”
Experience
Max: I have male and female friends who feel judged for spending so much time with the opposite sex and enjoying close, one-on-one time with them. I know guys whose friendliness to women is constantly misconstrued as flirtation. I know girls who want guy friends, but feel trapped by the idea of tempting them or somehow leading them on.
Honestly, I just want friends. I don’t care if they’re of the opposite sex. I shouldn’t have to care. If someone’s cool, I want to befriend them. The same applies if they’re attractive and cool. I may consider the possibility of romance, but it's never the purpose of befriending them. In my experience, women see me as a sort of brother. That’s fine. In fact, it’s great! If a girl trusts me as much as she trusts her brother, that is a beautiful and valuable intimacy that I respect.
One last thing! Women offer the best advice on how to talk to women. I’m not saying use your female friends to pick up women, but trust them to offer good advice. If I talked with a girl before my first date, I probably wouldn't have worn a wire or chatted about euthanasia.
Emily: Likewise, I want to have friends, as I feel most people do. Regardless of gender, if I have similar interests with another person, friendship is a natural response. In friendships there is an initial attraction, whether it be for the other person’s personality or their physical appearance; however, this attraction happens in same-sex and opposite-sex friendships. Just because there is attraction doesn’t mean it is sexual. I can be attracted to another woman’s humor or her sense of style. I can be attracted to a man’s adventurous spirit or his smile. It doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to be in a relationship with either that woman or that man. It is just the initial quality that draws you to interact with another person and build a friendship relationship with them.
All my life I have had guy friends. I find them wherever I go and at every stage of my life. In fact, my very first best friend was a boy. We were in preschool and we remained best friends for six years. I’ve always had better relationships with guys than I’ve had with girls. They’ve always seemed to be easier to hang out with, they tend to be straight-forward and direct, and if there is ever a dispute, then I can trust it won’t turn into drama or cattiness like it would with girls.
Recently though, I have been recognizing the importance of setting boundaries in these relationships. I’m still figuring out what exactly they look like, but there are ways that I can relate to men that I can’t with women and even more ways I can relate to women that are just not possible with men.
While I’ve maintained more male friendships in my life than female, I’ve noticed that there has been miscommunication. I'm not denying that to have a functioning cross-sex friendship there’s still the possibility of having a romantic interest. Sometimes in these friendships there will be a twinge of that, but if it’s mutually understood that neither of you want it to turn into a romantic relationship, then a platonic friendship can continue. There is a deeper sense of friendship that is honoring to both people once you get past this point.
Friend-zone
Max: The concept of the “friend-zone” is an unfortunate consequence of denying cross-gender friendships. When friendships are just a utility, guys assume being nice to women is only rewarding for what they can get from it—sex. It’s a toxic worldview and one that we need to stop promoting. If you’re nice to a girl, let it be because you’re a nice person. We’re in the body of Christ. Guys, women are our sisters. Seek them out for their wisdom and the joy of their presence. Don’t deny the potential for edifying community.
Emily: Basically, I hate this term. If the goal in initiating a cross-sex friendship is solely in seeking a romantic partner, you’re doing it wrong and your intentions weren’t pure in the first place. If you develop feelings for the other person, it isn’t required that they develop feelings for you as well. Just because you have feelings for someone and they don’t reciprocate doesn’t mean you’re friend-zoned. They are just not interested in you. This isn’t a new concept. Our generation decided to come up with a term that justifies the feelings of the person interested while discounting the feelings of the disinterested person. Both parties have a right to their own feelings and perspectives. There are always two sides.
Conclusion
Emily: I am so blessed by my male friendships. They provide perspectives I wouldn’t have otherwise considered and make my life way more entertaining with their quirks and antics. How beautiful and freeing it is to have relationships without the burden of worry! To enjoy a friendship for what it is rather than what you want it to be or what it could become.
There is so much more material on this topic and I feel that we’ve only barely scratched the surface. Maintaining cross-gender friendships within a committed romantic relationship is another topic entirely and that requires a bit of thought as well that we weren’t able to tackle in this article.
Max: Not only am I lucky to have so many wonderful women as friends, but I’m lucky I went into these friendships properly. I wasn’t friends with many girls growing up. Before I was a feminist, I couldn’t imagine being friends with a girl. What could we even talk about? Now I appreciate the influence of many women who are like and unlike me.
For more reading on this subject, I highly recommend Jonalyn Fincher’s talk on opposite-sex friendships. It’s an excellent look into her experience with male friends and how to relate that to Biblical examples.
This article is co-written by Maximilian Christensen and Emily Ng.
