Today my heart aches for a hug of familiarity. I want to be enveloped with something I know. I would like a hug from my mom. The only thing that has come close to satisfying this longing has been lying in my bed this morning, being surrounded by my blankets in that sweet warmth and softness of a slow awakening, with my pillow still reminiscent of slumber and a comfort I could reside in all day.
Here I am, uncovering who I am. Here, I am learning, being stretched, making great friends, seeing a future littered with possibilities extending before me. Yet right now, all I desire is the familiar warmth of my mother’s arms. Arms that connect to a heart of which I am forever a resident, eighteen years and counting. Arms linked to a body and face that has new lines and memories worked into it. My mother hasn’t aged, rather her body has felt the weight of life as it pulls from her face. I miss her.
However, it is also good to be away from her. The ways of home are not God’s way for me. The practicality and the simple order of life are molds of which I have never quite fit. I have big dreams and ideas that cannot exist at home. When I think of how I will begin to enact these plans into existence, within the framework of the questions my mother will ask, I am paralyzed with fear and worry. The same arms that I yearn to be wrapped in are also arms that restrict me, that tell me to consider the money, remember the time constraint, and perhaps reconsider what is actually possible. I am flattened by this thinking. I lay here insecure of my place in God’s story, a story that stretches beyond time and money and the practical things of living. I am a disciple who Jesus tells, “take no gold, or silver, or copper in your belts, no bag for your journey, or two tunics, or sandals, or a staff...” (Matthew 10:9-10) I am worker that deserves my keep.
My life will be impractical. My life will be full and changing, yet curiously steady. I will rely on the Lord’s provisions. I will rely on the Lord’s peace. I will rely on the Lord’s love. I will rely on the Lord’s strength. I do not know the way I am headed, but I cling onto the Lord. His sovereignty is trustworthy.